PATRIOTISM!!!!! BEER!!!!! BIKINIS!!!!! CRACK!!

Hey all. How the hell are you today? Are you stoked on life?!?!? On sunshine!?! On crack?!?!MMM??!??!? You know I was going to a go a completely different direction there but ended up googling "on crack" and guess who's lovely face showed. Yes, dearest Amy is at it again. Crimeny I'm glad I'm not a celebrity. Girlfriend's got so many people riding her ass how could she not do crack? There's nothing else left to do! Oh yea, well...... you could maybe go.... to..... rehab..?? mm? Food for thought.

Moving on.

Why this weekend already is blowing my mind: my inner patriot shall roam free by bike, by water, and by foot. Sheer heathenry will be unleashed upon my quaint hometown of Redding, CA. Can you handle the heat Redding!!?!?! Or I guess a better question is, can we Oregon ladies handle Redding's heat? Fucking 106 degrees! Are you serious? I've been turning the fan on when we peak at 80 up here. Jeepers, I'm sweating already just thinking about it. However the outcome, I will be pleased if I can return to the green state looking slightly less pale and slightly more ravaged from an incredible weekend.

There will be....... THIS!!!!!!!!The Sevylor Mesh River Tube 3000! Complete with backrest, 2 Fucking cupholders!, and my personal favorite Snap and Stay feature to be able to hang with friends! I totally just stepped up my 4th of July plans by purchasing this bad boy. And what of Gummy!? Yes Gummy my beloved alligator that got my lovely ass down the Truckee River for a week straight last summer. He's coming too.. If not for anyone's transportation than for my own personal enjoyment and his veteran voyage. Love you Gummy, my man.
What is more, is that rafting the ole sacapatatoes river is happening the day BEFORE the 4th so I can build my patriotic fever all day long saturday with four lokos, and sun, and gummy and then spew it all out (I mean get reallly fucking patriotic on the 4th). What this means : I will be wearing my American flag bikini top and will be quoting famous presidents and Team America all day long. (FUCK YEA!) I will be hanging with the highest concentration of lady sharks since... I don't even know when. We got Hammerhead, Threshies, Angel Shark, Bull Shark, Frilled Shark, and Great White will be out there driftin on Shasta Lake. Things might erupt... Like Mt. Shasta cus it's so close and all.
Adding to the madness will be my cousin Eden. Thank god. She is fanastic. We've barely been together since the days she used to pinch me and tell me I was the boy when we would play house, but hey, I like her attitude. Girl gives off some shark vibes. I'll let you know about that one... And my broja! And his new girlfriend. This should be fantastic.

To summarize this lump of crap garbage I've just barfed all over you, I'm going to Redding this weekend with my girls. We're gonna raft down the river, bike to the bars, watch some fireworks, and probably attack things. You've been warned Dirty 530.

Notice

Hello all. For those of you that know me, you are aware that I have a somewhat monotonous job that allows me to get lost in large mansions for hours at a time. During these shifts I'm able to do a lot of thinking. My, let's call them "think attacks" sometimes produce solid gold. More times than not, they produce loads and loads of crap garbage. Today as I mosied about, I had much on my mind and started to compile a list (big on lists lately) that I feel like sharing.

Things I like today

• sexting


• open windows (sometimes wanting to jump out of them)


• whiskey (I like this too much)


• low expectations


• privacy


• bowling


• patriotic apparel (cus I'm an Amurican)


• "Where have all the cowboys gone?" by Paula Cole

Things I don't like today

• Bah! I have nothing! Excellent.

And that sums up my deep thoughts for the day, folks. THHHHAAANNKKS

"if you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing "

Apparently I'm on a BJ diet...

I am welcoming the weekend with open arms. The weekend is too good to let it slip by in mediocrity. Last night, I was planning on going to another warehouse party but circumstances would have it that everyone was already too tired or too drunk to make the trek downtown. Good thing too because I myself was feeling a bit tired and unfit to terrorize the Portland population. Those long work weeks seem to really catch up on Friday around 6 p.m.
Sarah and Kathleen lured me out of the house with a trip to Target, however, first having to stop on an errand at a friends' mother's home. (Will not go into detail about that). And then! Target! I was excited because when I had gone there before there were a lot of cute summer items out, I had a gift card, and needed a bathing suit. My excitement turned to horror when I actually realized bathing suit season was actually coming up. Rotten! Kathleen and I both agreed that we need to "pull it in a bit" "tighten it up". Ha. Understatement. I am clearly in love with two men, both Ben and Jerry. BEN AND JERRY'S I CURSE THEE!!!!!! >:0 This is me, the Ice Cream Huntress but "pulled in a bit" and sexy... oh yea and with wings.. and brown hair.

Got out of Target relatively unscathed. I always love looking at the combination of purchases all together. I ended up cashing out with some lime green sunglasses, a pair of banana yellow boy short underwear, a bottle of Andre champagne, and some mascara. I want to wear and have all of them on at once, and nothing else. God I'm glamourous.

Thankfully instead of dragging our asses downtown for the night, the wolfpack gathered itself at Tim and August's lovely abode. Guitars and music equipment can always be found scattered about their habitat. This pleases me because for the last year I've been forcing myself to have the patience to learn more about music. I want to understand what seems so foreign and confusing about it to most people. I've been playing guitar since last April. That seems to be going okay but what really freaks me out is the piano. DUDE so many things lie in those little black and ivory keys. Fucking terrifying. Where to even start? So following my hesitancy I sat down at Tim and August's little keyboard, put on the headphones so I wouldn't subject my friends to the noise, and busted out my rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings". I will not glorify myself, it was the same version of this song that I learned when I was five, taught by someone I don't even remember, and played just as horribly. Finger pecking goodness.
Then August came over and showed me a E on the E major scale. The first, the third, and then fith note. Ah that makes since. I get it. I sat there for ten minutes playing that same chord. Walking up and down in as graceful as possible (not graceful). I looked up at the keyboard above to reference the root of the the G. Fiddled with it just long enough to find the first, the third, and the fith again. Again, I played that chord for 10 minutes. So now, as much as I fear the piano, I'm on my way... Somewhere.
The night continued on with some PBR and Catan. If you guys don't know what Catan is, all I can tell you is that it's a game about colonization, it takes for fucking ever, and it calls for people to constantly be saying, "I need wood", "Someone needs to give me wood", and "I've got some wood". Take note, I'm never actually playing this game. I'm only sitting or lying in the living room giggling to myself in a sea of "that's what she said" jokes. Call me immature but it hasn't gotten old for me yet. Moreover, some folks split off to colonize their bunk ass nations and a couple of us were left in the living room chatting.I took the liberty of pirating some music off of Tim's laptop. He's got a pretty good selection on there. Or atleast, HAD a good selection on there. Ten minutes into my piracy, Tim's estranged cat, Saturn, quite literally pushed a t.v. off the entertainment center in hopes to sabotage both me and the computer! I remain. Tim's computer. Eh, not so much. The screen is fucked. Though it does make a really pretty rainbow mountain looking picture now. Not long after I was sprawling my overly beered body over the couch, sunglasses on to hide my tired eyes. This ofcouse, would not suffice for August and Kathleen who insisted that I needed to be pulled off the couch by my leg and tickled into an oblivion.
"NOT MY SUNGLASSES!" I screamed.
They, being the good friends that they are spared them, but did not back down on their tickle attack. Damn them. I plotted my revenge.
Later as Leen and I lay on the couch, fate would have it that August picked a wrestling battle with everyone in the living room. I was once again abruptly wakened with a pull on my leg. At that point I realized that the other wolves had it under control so I faded back into my nap, but not before whispering the words to Kathleen, "August must suffer". And he did, Ben and Tim had their revenge. Eventually all were wrestled out and had to quit. Thank god. August is an animal with a little bit of courage in him. And yes, he will admit to you that he is an animal and will "rock your world".
And here I am, Saturday morning in all my glory, double fisting mimosa's and cups of coffee. Got my bearded dragon, Crusty Buttons at my side, and we are sharing a banana. I'm looking forward to Push Jones rehearsal cus we have our first performance next week (***&%^$#!!!!) and I will be horseback riding with a couple ladies at 5. You smell that people? It smells like a spectacular Saturday... o no wait.. that's just Timber Jenny's shampoo...