PATRIOTISM!!!!! BEER!!!!! BIKINIS!!!!! CRACK!!

Hey all. How the hell are you today? Are you stoked on life?!?!? On sunshine!?! On crack?!?!MMM??!??!? You know I was going to a go a completely different direction there but ended up googling "on crack" and guess who's lovely face showed. Yes, dearest Amy is at it again. Crimeny I'm glad I'm not a celebrity. Girlfriend's got so many people riding her ass how could she not do crack? There's nothing else left to do! Oh yea, well...... you could maybe go.... to..... rehab..?? mm? Food for thought.

Moving on.

Why this weekend already is blowing my mind: my inner patriot shall roam free by bike, by water, and by foot. Sheer heathenry will be unleashed upon my quaint hometown of Redding, CA. Can you handle the heat Redding!!?!?! Or I guess a better question is, can we Oregon ladies handle Redding's heat? Fucking 106 degrees! Are you serious? I've been turning the fan on when we peak at 80 up here. Jeepers, I'm sweating already just thinking about it. However the outcome, I will be pleased if I can return to the green state looking slightly less pale and slightly more ravaged from an incredible weekend.

There will be....... THIS!!!!!!!!The Sevylor Mesh River Tube 3000! Complete with backrest, 2 Fucking cupholders!, and my personal favorite Snap and Stay feature to be able to hang with friends! I totally just stepped up my 4th of July plans by purchasing this bad boy. And what of Gummy!? Yes Gummy my beloved alligator that got my lovely ass down the Truckee River for a week straight last summer. He's coming too.. If not for anyone's transportation than for my own personal enjoyment and his veteran voyage. Love you Gummy, my man.
What is more, is that rafting the ole sacapatatoes river is happening the day BEFORE the 4th so I can build my patriotic fever all day long saturday with four lokos, and sun, and gummy and then spew it all out (I mean get reallly fucking patriotic on the 4th). What this means : I will be wearing my American flag bikini top and will be quoting famous presidents and Team America all day long. (FUCK YEA!) I will be hanging with the highest concentration of lady sharks since... I don't even know when. We got Hammerhead, Threshies, Angel Shark, Bull Shark, Frilled Shark, and Great White will be out there driftin on Shasta Lake. Things might erupt... Like Mt. Shasta cus it's so close and all.
Adding to the madness will be my cousin Eden. Thank god. She is fanastic. We've barely been together since the days she used to pinch me and tell me I was the boy when we would play house, but hey, I like her attitude. Girl gives off some shark vibes. I'll let you know about that one... And my broja! And his new girlfriend. This should be fantastic.

To summarize this lump of crap garbage I've just barfed all over you, I'm going to Redding this weekend with my girls. We're gonna raft down the river, bike to the bars, watch some fireworks, and probably attack things. You've been warned Dirty 530.

Everything is okay in Big Sur.

Nostalgia struck me hard today, rolled in like clouds and rained on my parade. Sitting on a hardwood floor thumbing through artwork, I was taken back to Big Sur. For those who know this place, know ecstasy. I am back on my mountain with all of my friends watching the sunset where the west coast comes to an end. On top of the world above the cloudline, feeling your soul sink into the sublime. I miss this home, I miss the dirt that cakes onto your hands, sleeping bag, and your shirt. That is, if you're wearing one...because most often than not you'll be throwing off clothes once you get to the top. I can still smell the whiskey on our breath, feel the wind in my dreads from riding on the top of the beast, and the stab of hitch hikers in my bare feet. Goddess parties, topless in the trees, crying, laughing, drunk on eachother's company. Dancing on the roof, Red Stripes and cigars for breakfast, beer showers, and sunburns. It's all there. It's just me that's not. When I die, throw me off a cliff in Big Sur to rot.

Why today is so terrifying.

This One.

This is Leen. AKA Pooter. Today she turns 21. She may look like a nice girl. All sugar and spice and everything nice. Like here.....
But under that facade of seemingly girl next door demeanor, there is a rampant and wild she wolf cheetah waiting for that 5th shot of tequila that will unleash the beast. I'm pretty sure she's made out of some viscious desert carnivore, electric fence, and a bit of David Bowie. Look at that smirk. It's saying "Danger! I will break everything and everyone the day I'm allowed into a bar."

Terrifying.

Consider yourself warned Planet Earth.

www.whatthefuckdididolastnight.com

My prophesy has materialized. I 100% feel like death and I'm pretty certain I look worse than that little piggy picture on that last blog. Upon entering the warehouse last night my psychic sense once again kicked in and I knew 3 things for certain 1. Timber Jenny will be bleeding at some point tonight. 2. This big ole stamp on my hand will be on my forehead by tommorow morning. and 3. I have a lot of beer. And now here I am stamp on my oh so pounding and miserable head. I have no choice but to turn my good faith to the bottle of Lenoltec (caffiene, codiene, and acetominophen) that Great White smuggled back from Canada. It's really God's gift to earth in situations like these. In fact. Let's review the situation at hand shall we....






Oh shit whoops.. Wrong situation....

My Situation (please refer to footnotes): Went to a warehouse party last night. Drank a considerable amount of beer. Hung out with my most awesome wolfpack crew of friends (1). Danced to Motown. Drank more beer. Swung around on the dance floor swing for a hot second. Laughed my ass off at Timber when she comes to me with bleeding hands(2). Ran the kissing booth for the good part of an hour (wtf?*3*!!&). Went to my friend Stefanyes's (Stefanmaybe? Stefano? Stefanprobably not? Stefanhellno?) as to accompany two ladies who wouldn't have felt comfortable going alone. P.S. You fucking owe me dude. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich(4). Called his toolbar floormate out for being a misogynist a-hole. Showed him the door. Accepted his apology when he came back. Showed him the door again because he really was just a woman hating douche bag. Fell asleep on the only rug in the apartment under Stefanprobablynot's Carhart jacket, one leg slipped through an armhole at approximately 4:30 a.m. Considered farting in the hood just to spite him(5). Went to sleep instead. Woke up at 6:30 a.m. to get a ride back home. Went back to fucking bed.

Footnotes
1. They really are frickin awesome. I'm pretty sure I kissed a good portion of them last night.
2. Girlfriend fell on her ass somehow and managed to scrape the shit out of her hand. LMAO. Her description of it was "like sliding into home base." Incredible. Fucking incredible.
3. Don't ask me, why or how, but somehow I got into the kissing booth. Now my rational self would say "Hammerhead.... you are not heading home right now and you are WAY past hammered...what's the deal? There is a reason why you head home at night when you're hammered.. CUS YOU'RE A FUCKING WEREWOLF BEAST!!!!!!!" We all know now that the rational self was out to lunch last night. I'm pretty sure I kissed upwards of 20 people. Mostly of the female persuasion. Some girls a little longer than others because they smelled like cinnamon and tasted like mint but other than those few I kept the lips in an innocent pucker. JEEEZE I am ridiculous. But hey... I made three dollars.....
4. It was delicious.
5. Don't judge me, if you knew him you probably would want to fart in his hood too.

In light of my behavior last night, we can all say that it was a full moon, more specifically The Wolf Moon. And if you didn't know, not only do I belong to a society of sharks, but a pack of wolves. Thus the "landshark seawolf" title and thus, my comical behavior on such a epic lunar occurance. The crazies did come out. I was one of those crazies. I also might mention that I look like this....