Psycho City- Population, Me.

All evidence points to one clear and definite adjective to describe the Hammerhead.. Psycho.

Yea that's me. Let me explain to you how I've come to this realization. Or actually, allow me to tell you in a haiku because as I laughed/kicked myself the next morning I realized such insanity should only be put back together in poetic form. Otherwise, I fear, it's just too pathetic for words.

Hump Day with the ladies

Four Loko, Whiskey, and all things crazy

Invited to a rap show.

Cute boy, in my opinion.

Forgot to eat dinner, Did not forget to drink more.

Dancing asses off.

A broken bra (from dancing)

Hitting on cute boy hard.

Boy says "I have a girlfriend"

Akward Turtle

Stubborn Hammerhead stumbles out.

Kind of regretting calling him out.

FML.

So what makes most of this so akward is that boy is an employee at my local grocery store. God Damn it..... I'm seeing a pattern here. An announcement for my friends out there - if you see me approaching any more Trader Joe employees knock me out with a two by four before I open my mouth cus I'm thinking my luck isn't running too strong there. THANKS.

Apparently it's Shark Week

A much awaited and highly popular series aired on the Discovery Channel is set to continue in August. SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, well what the producers of shark week haven't been told is that Portland Fucking Oregon is blowing up as we speak!!! For the safety of all males out there, I fear your chance to run has come and passed(swim faster!!! much faster!!!). And really, who is bothering with the safety of males these days anyway? (Cruel and sexist, I know. MUAHHAHA) But seriously, this blitzkrieg has suprised even us (Shark Circuit of Portland), and we apologize, wait.... no we don't.

A much feared and precious creature has come into her sharking skin. Kathleen (whom I've warned you of before) has settled into her dorsal fin and multiple layers of flesh shredding teeth. She is Bull Shark. Wikipedia reads, "The bull shark is well known for its unpredictable, often aggressive behavior. Since bull sharks often dwell in shallow waters, they may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark,[1] and, along with tiger sharks and great white sharks, are among the three shark species most likely to attack humans.[2]".

Fucking. terrifying.

In regards to the others, our fair friend Jenna is cruising the soft shore line these days as well. Her alias is yet to be determined due to the fact that her attack style and pattern is still quite an enigma. I'll keep you posted on this one.

So far we've decieded that "mega mouth" doesn't have the right ring to it. Though it is hilarious in context and look how damn cute this thing is.

Now you might be asking yourself, "what of the other sharks?" Ha! Well. I'm glad you asked. Great White Eversole has shark attacked in Santa Cruz, CA and is still.... wait... what... still attacking the same prey!??!?! What is this? How does this man have any limbs left?! I haven't seen it myself but I've heard there's carnage. Wow. I'm looking forward to meeting this brave man 4th of July weekend.

And Thresher.. don't even get me started. HAHAH awesome. I wanted to type "started" but started typing "shark" and it came out "sharted". LMAO okay sorry I digress.....Thresher is a holy heathen and has taken on the responsibility of terrorizing San Diego, CA for the week. Sorry there was no warning San Diego, but the damage has been done. Or so I hear through a wall of text messages I have recieved giving me play by play details. Thanks Threshies. I love to live vicariously through you. haha. sad.

Why is hammerhead sad? Because hammerhead got drunk on wednesday and attacked a piece of meat that smelled like Patchoulli. Waahhhhhh. Wish I remember what he looked like cus Mr. Born 5 Decades too late want's to take me out to get some hummus. HUMMMUS!!!! wtf.

Boys in the Makeup Hood.

This blog is for all the fellas out there who wake up in the morning, get in the shower, brush their, teeth, and then decide that it's a good day to throw on some eyeliner. Yes, those silly boys. As initially turned off I am by this act, I can't help but hoping that maybe someday Glamour Boy might take advantage of me in the throws of some strange and surreal fantasy. Not just any boy in lipstick though. I have my few candidates that I have secretly (or not so secretly) swooned over since the tender age of 10. Case and point Jay Gordon.

If you didn't know, Jay is the lead singer of Orgy. I used to run home from the bus stop every day in elementry school when Blue Monday was on TRL. Just to see his lovely ass glamoring away on the ole boob tube. For the record, Jay you still get me hott in your plastic outfits and fucked up hair dos.

Up next Ville Valo, lead singer of HIM Okay, I'm gonna have to really hand this one over to my sister. She was the original bleeding heart for Valo. I mean, technically I only knew of his existence because of her die hard commitment to listening to their records on repeat (My personal favorite being Razorblade Romance). Regardless of his serious as shit lyrics, the Villmeister can be quite a queen (see Join Me In Death video) leaving me wondering if it's boys he might really be wanting to cut himself with. Yea, bust out your sharp edges people, cus this guy will only have you if you're willing to bleed on an alter of roses and poisonous beverages. Seeing as though that's really not my scene anymore (Jade, I don't think it's yours either) we can sit back and admire from a far, all the while rocking out to Sweet 666 and enjoying UV, flowers, and not dying. P.S Just googled "Boys in makeup" and guess who was the first to pop up. LMAO you slay me Valo.

And at last, a more recent fabulous crush would be Elijah Blue (Or if he had his way Phillips Exeter Blue) of Deadsy and, strikingly enough of Cher. Yes, Cher's baby grew up to be kind of a Baldwin in a weird and sparkley kind of way.

Anywho, I ended up really loving this band, Deadsy. One because their music is kind of awesome (an aquired taste, however), two cus they have this pretty interesting theme going on (see visual appearance on the wiki page), and three because most of their songs reference a dear book and idealogy of mine, Urantia. Even if the book is total crap (obviously not my view) I still think it's awesome that he writes fantastic songs about it. Reading is sexy Blue. Reading is totttallly sexy. Here, I'll leave you with a little video of Deadsy's, because most likely, you've never fucking heard of them.

And to end it right, I wanted to mention a few runners up because they are also, fabulous glitzy glam rock boys.

Marilyn Manson- inspired me to wear heart shaped glasses for a year. God his girlfriend's hott too. Brian Molko of Placebo- Apparently he has a kid? I'm not convinced, but you're hott to me in a creepy way so Ima gonna let that one slide B. Tim Curry at all times. He is sexual, creepy and violent. Kinda turns me on a little bit. OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Look what I found!!!! Brian Molko givin Ville Valo a little smoochy smooch. That's fine by me boys but good luck explaining this to your son, Molko.

Tuesday morning 1, Hammerhead 0.

Who knew a Tuesday morning could be so terribly akward. This morning seemed to be going quite well. How very fooled I was by your seemingly pleasant air,Tuesday...

Woke up around 9:30. Got some donuts with Timber (very unexpected unspoken psychic urge between both of us, only realized as I casually mentioned it walking out the door. Timber wanted donuts too and that is NOT a usual thing for either of us). I digress..... We were on our way out to buy some more coffee for our porch sittin session so we headed off to Safeway after Acme Donuts. Once in Safeway I make a beeline for the coffee aisle. I make it 3/4 the way down the aisle before a vision brings me to a halt. Ahh recognition. Standing there checking out the cereal is the boy I bravely gave my number to in Trader Joes last year. I had discontinued my cell phone about a week of not receiving a call from him. Did he ever call? Who knows. (please see FML.com). So I turn back quickly to see if Timber understands the situation at hand. She does not. I turn back trying to pull the tiny bit of normal hair I have left over my eyes. Death Lock Style.

My shab-ass attempt at hiding my identity is thwarted. Mr. TJ notices me, and recognizes me. He says "Hey". I say "Hi". He says "What's going on?" I say "Not much", staring at the coffee selection like I'm trying to burn holes in the cans with my lazer vision. I choose a brand quickly and dart to the end of the aisle to redenvous with Timber. She asks me, "Did you know that guy just said Hi to you?" I say, "Do you know who that guys is!?!?!??!!" I refresh her mind. She laughs heartily. FUUUCK. Made even more akward by the fact that he keeps popping up in the same sections of the store as us, including self-checkout. I thought I was safe in SE seeing as though his Trader Joe's location is in NE. Thank you, Akward Tuesday Morning for reminding me that it's never quite safe to just roll out of bed in the morning and mosey on out into the public....

Breakfast Remix

Hey all. Feeling slightly under the weather today due to last night's Carlo Rossi binge with my ladies. After revisiting my breakfast, I felt inspired to blog about much nicer things like some of my favorite Portland establishments and vendors. So here we go.

Vendors

Antic- Why is he sooooo cool? Antic is a locally based artist who pretty much pops out little gems on American Apparel shirts. Fucking golden. He's got a store in NE PDX as well as a booth at the Saturday Market. Recently he's been printing his designs on these fantastic underwears from Seattle. I want them. Anywho, if you're interested you can check his website out at http://www.anticink.com/. Not only does he have Premades available but will also do custom (CUSTTTOOOMM!!**$$$##$$!!) prints on whatever you fucking want. He's pretty easy on the eyes too, if I do say so myself.

Next up.

Courtney is a Seahorse- Effing love her. The first time I found her booth at the Saturday Market I walked by and had to pull a double take. So much rainbow bursting with feathers and gem stones. Basically everything I could ever want in a fashion designer. It's incredible really, how she takes really subtle earthy tones and throws some iridescence on that shit and POW! a masterpiece. I'm having a hard time getting over my new feather hair thing from her. And plus, she seems to be a really cool girl. Anywho, I applaud her efforts because her booth's got me coming back for more. I demand that you visit her website http://www.courtneyisaseahorse.com/

Note! Courtney also does clothes and hair pins. *flutter*

Restaurants

Jam on Hawthorne- So bomb. This establishment is cool and everyone knows it so you're going to have to wait outside. But it's cool cus there's coffee out there and hopefully some sunshines. The real kicker is once you get in, their breakfast cocktail selection is pure magic. So many kinds of mamosas and bloody marys, you'll spend most of your time looking at this part of the menu. Whatever you order food wise, will probably be quality as well. Overall, shit is worth the wait.

The Doug Fir- Reasons why I like this place- the food is pretty damn good, the prices are reasonable, there is always good music downstairs, and the wait staff is pretty attractive. Oh, and their water is good which sounds stupid but trust me. It's better than other water. I also have a soft place in my heart for the Doug Fir because it was here that I snuck in underage to a Subtle show and got to meet the very sexy and very kind, Dose One. *sigh* Only draw back to this place is the seemingly blank men standing at the door checkng ids. They don't have a sense of humor, and that's not their fault I guess.

So I had every intention of commenting on some of my favorite Stumptown bars earlier but it's come to my attention that this blog is starting to resemble a novel (blovel if you will) and that just won't do. Plus, breakfast remix has really slowed me down quite a bit and has got me slightly less inspired to talk about alcohol. So fair thee well as I try to shake off this feeling because honestly, right now I feel like a bag of dicks. THANKS!

This is me in a nut shell. I don't know how I got into this nut shell...

Only a few weeks after Timber Jenny and I moved into our SE abode did we realize that we were not the only tenants of our room. At first, there was the scratching. Tiny reminders now and then that we were not alone. As time went by, the scratching became more frequent, accompanied by the occasional.... I don't know what you call it.... cooing? chirping? whatever.

Now we sit here in absolute certainty knowing that we are fellow tenants to 1 MILLION SQUIRRELS!

We came to this realization last weekend when Timber's mother was visiting. She had befriended a cute little squirrel on our porch which she named, Rocky. Rocky seemed wholesome and innocent, but overly friendly. He had a wheeze and I was curious as to whether he had lung complications. Upon leaving the porch and heading to the second story bathroom Cindy (Timber's mother), heard wheezing at the window..... how peculiar.. And there was Rocky again, wheezing at the window.

Well..... Rocky has pulled a full on BLITZKREIG on our house. 2 weeks ago when exploring the attic for the first time, we found nothing but nut shells. He was toying with us. We are quite sure he and his girlfriend are fornicating in our attic/bedroom walls as I write this. We hear wheezing/chirping/cooing, but much more animated than before. We hear comotion. Furthermore, as our housemate DMLH left the house, he beckoned me outside. On the very tip top point of our house wheezed/chirped/cooed Rocky, triumphantly. He has claimed his dominion. This is the squirly nut house.

Mother fucker better start payin some rent....

I use the word "artist" loosely.

I am stepping down from EVER using oil paints. Before, when I had time and then will to try, I produced a few gems with oils. But now, now my oil paintings are started and then sit there for months on end begging to be finished. I just can't do it anymore captain!

Today I was feeling an artistic buzz. I picked up my guitar and learned "Transatlanticism", I wrote a few rhyming verses, I even started blogging. But then, I had to go and try to paint. This painting that has been unfinished in my room for months is now FUCKING HORRID because I got a wild hair up my ass and had to do something to it. After putting in a few strokes I thought, "Wow. Oil painting is just not for me anymore. But shit.... I have all this fricken oil paint... Maybe I should just throw all of it on this canvas at the same time and be done with it all." (Insert crazy evil laugh here).

So I did that and I feel worse than I felt before about just leaving it there. Holy crap. I don't think people are going to know whether I was painting or puking... Oh well.. Cover it up with more paint in a month or so I suppose.. Now it's into the shower so I can meet my ladies at the Clinton Street Pub and forget about the abomination sitting in my bedroom.

I'm suffocating!

I can't breathe and it's really starting to scare me. For the past couple of weeks I've stopped smoking cigarettes and I'm just beginning to realize the amount of lung compacity that has been compromised. Or is it the volcanic ash form Iceland drifting over this way? Another theory is that it's anxiety. If so, I need to get a hold of myself real quick. All I know is that I couldn't sleep last night because my lungs kept forgetting to breathe and when my body would remember again the initial shock would wake me up from my already shallow rest. Respiration is an autonomic system damn it! I shouldn't have to think about breathing. What a chore.

Image Cred- xCaitx on Deviantart.com

"Yea he's just hanging out... Oh wait no... he's dead.."

So... I found a dead horse today. Yep. I have the terrible image stuck in my head. I'll spare you the gorey details but it definitely triggered my gag reflex. I've decided that the experience of finding a dead horse is comparable to witnessing puppies getting kicked and tortured. At least, I can only imagine the two events conjuring the same emotional response for me. Hopefully, I forget that image really really freeaking soon. I had a feeling I was going to see some death today because last night I had a dream about one of my family members being pregnant. Look it up, dream psychology is weird shit. Anywho...

Rest in Peace Pepper. You were a tired old thing and I never really got close to you cus I thought you were gonna bite me.. But.. you were white, and I liked that about you...

I don't think we're on the same page.

A little word of advice to the fellas out there, I don't mind friendly conversation at the bar. I don't even mind you rambling my ear off about your band for an hour while I try to watch The Shining in subtitles. But if you ask for my number and I give you my email address, there's a good chance I don't want to meet you for drinks next week. Below is a picture of me after recieving your email today.

Because some things aren't so awesome

March 27 marked the 6th year anniversary of the death of my friend Alicia Rose Davis. Alicia was a young, hilarious, and charismatic girl who left us too soon. My most fond memories of her are dominated by laughter. What to learn from Alicia's accident... Don't drive with idiots, wear a seatbelt, and hug your friends.

Rest in Peace funny girl.

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

Where is my easy button!?!?!??!

Today I was clumsy. I blame gravitational flux! It's the only credible excuse I could have for breaking two items in my client's house in a 3 hour period. My boss is unimpressed. Though she did give me the benefit of the doubt by saying that "many people have been breaking things this week." ALAS! My cop out. It's frickin earth flux maaaan. Sadly, I didn't find enough strength in this argument to text this to her, or rather, I did but didn't want to be "that crazy hippy girl" at work. Whatever, the poles are switching and I'm feeling it.

Moving on...

Tommorow I board an airplane to Oakland. Oaklandazyulasym for all you Why? fans out there. Hopefully this trip will be lovely. I'm thinking good friends, Santa Cruz, maybe some tanning (Lord knows I need it), relaxation, perhaps a little romance. I figured since I laughed out loud at this I should probably share it with you as well... I digress...
The fact of the matter is, is that I should be more excited/stoked/bouncing off the wall right now but I'm more scared than anything. I had mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been having weird feelings. Well. They're still here. The kind that makes me wonder if going to La Honda is a good idea. Santa Cruz, duh, obviously that's a good idea. But La Honda is seeming more and more a call for confrontation. Either I will be courageous and spill all the words that get caught up in my throat everytime I see him or.... I will remain silent and cowardly. Neither of which are sounding easy. And this is supposed to be my vacation DAMN IT! WHERE IS MY EASY BUTTON!?!?!?!?! Ah yes... there it is...

I was reading "All About Love" by Bell Hooks the other day- A gem from my roommate Cassie's collection- and came to ponder on the thought of loving without fear of rejection. It's sooo noble sounding! I want to be that. I'm realizing that I need to make a call very soon and I'm leaning towards getting my ass handed to me by love rather than keeping my mouth closed like a polite little lady. Say a little prayer for me tonight, will you?
All image cred- Deviantart.com

Knotty Girl

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now... with my dreadlocks. It all started when I was a young girl in middle school searching for a definition of beauty that I could agree with. I saw it every day in school, at the mall, on mtv. Beauty! Ahh so beauty is a size 0 waist, bleach blonde hair, and a Roxy label! Aha! I get it! I'm fuckin on it! And I so was. Wore Roxy every day of my life, highlighted my already blonde hair, and battled with myself behind closed doors about why I couldn't squeeze into those Tiny Wahine jeans cus they fit me perfectly fine last year, damn it!

It was precious. Me and my 20 girl friends looked exactly a like, sometimes wore the same thing to school (fucking bitch!), and spoke like the cast of Legally Blonde. Eventually we grew out of it. I went polar and tried the goth look for awhile. There was something so dark/mysterious/dirty about that whole getup. My parents sat back in horror thinking, "what the hell has happened to our pristine child?" I sat back in defiance saying, "Hey guess what I'm going to peirce next?" I guess we all go through that stage, right? Anywho the point is, during this time I began experimenting with dreads. I would twist off sections, stick it with gallons of hair shit, and VOILA!!!! My mother's nightmare! (Looked in the archives for some evidence, but none of such has been recovered. I might have burned them all. haha) Ma flipped and my step father demanded that I "never do that to (my) hair again."

Okay... I won't... Until I'm 18 and don't give a FUUUUHHHCCCCCKKK. Almost immediately after graduating high school I took the plunge. After so many years of posing as this homecoming cheer vanilla queen it was time to recreate myself, in one sense or another. My boyfriend at the time was fully supportive which made the first year of my transition easier. The first year is always the hardest. I ended up looking like Sideshow Bob for a good portion of it and kept them back more times than not. It was crazy how much people's perception of me changed. You see I was born in raised in a small town in Northern California. You walked into the market and you see 12 people you went to high school with (AT LEAST 12). They're going to have something to say. I got a lot of "what did you do's?" and "when are you going to brush them outs". These questions solidified my decision to keep them.
"Because I fucking want to and this is America people!"

Little did I know that this being America also gives employers the right to not hire me. Going from never having issues getting a job to barely scraping an interview, reality struck. Redding, CA hates my hair!!!*^*&&%!!!!! >:0 Those mutherfuckers.................

From dis to dis

What to do? OOhhhh yea! Move away! GENIOUS! So I came to Portland. Finally I'm not stared at like a psycho every time I go to pick up a sammich at a public establishment! And yet, another block.... Once I turned 21 I realized a few ever so disturbing trends happening in my social life....
Here I am 3 years have gone by since my last solid relationship and I'm starting to feel like there is a coincidence here... Are guys afraid of my hair? I mean I've definitely encountered those who didn't want to touch them (yea... if that wasn't sure enough of a sign that it wasn't going to work out) and then there are those who act like they don't care but really don't show any interest in taking me home to mom (you were boring anyways.) I was seriously starting to feel like I had some how weaved a voodoo curse into my do. I'm currently still battling this, though my closest friends feel that the reasoning is my hair could be projecting an overwhelming and intimidating confidence that most guys don't want to deal with. Fair enough.

But still! Guys do approach me. It only came upon me quite recently why I thought they weren't. Whenever the sharks go sharkin, my beautiful lady companions get hit on instantly. As they should, they're fucking hott malicious predators. But I, on the other hand tread water. I make friendly conversation with people and then... people... all kinds of people, boys and girls come to me and say...
hey I like your hair".

Really? You have nothing else to say to me? I am instantly turned off. It sounds stuck up but it's just how I operate. I finally realize that I do get hit on, it's just the same line from EVERYONE. I appreciate the sentiment but you've got to see where I'm coming from here. *Ssnnnooore zzZZzzz* However, one guy did ask if he could smell my dreads the other day, 10 seconds after meeting me... Original. but creepy. I appeased his desire for a sniff, smiled and nodded when he said "hey they don't smell bad at all, I was expecting gnarly!", and got the hell out of there as soon as possible.

So there is my rant on my hair. It's been quite a conversation piece over the last few years so I have a ton of thoughts on it. Bottom line, I wash them, I'm not a rastafarian, I don't smoke weed (that often), I don't listen to Bob Marley (that often) and I have no intention of getting rid of them anytime soon. I bitch and I moan about all this but in reality, I love my hair. It's easy to maintain, I can still feel beautiful, my bearded dragon can hide in them, I never need a hair tie, and I like to think it challenges people. My mother has now accepted them and they're growing on my boss. It challenges me in a sense as well because I have to project my personality out even further to those who don't know me because most of the time, they get caught up in my appearance. I promise I'm clean and polite! Most of the time.....