Returning to PDX *Kicking and Screaming*

Life is cruel. Yesterday was easy to lose my sadness in a blur of whiskey and tequila starting early at 11:00 while waiting to depart from the Oakland Airport. This morning I woke to the harsh reality that I wasn't next to him and all I had was his sweatshirt lying in bed there next to me. Plus the hang over.
The ride to the airport could have been just another roadtrip. Cracking jokes and laughing hysterically at all of our ridiculousness. It hit me as he pulled my bag out of the back of his truck and kissed me goodbye. Shit. This dream is over. As I walked through security stupid little tears fell down my cheeks and I tried my best to wipe them away as quickly as they surfaced. I don't know when I'll be seeing him next. Life is cruel.
I guess from that last tidbit you can safely assume that my trip went well. It was actually fabulous. I laughed harder and smiled more than I have in a long time. We can be in the car for hours together just conversing and singing our favorite songs at the top of our lungs. All of this just reaffirming how butt fucking head over heels I am for this person. In the short time I was in California I was able to accomplish almost all that I had planned on: La Honda, Santa Cruz, Big Sur, putting my cards down on the table, visiting old friends, firming up some plans, etc. I even made it down to Morro Bay which was a pleasant suprise. Big Sur welcomed us home like a good friend as usual. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and I even got a tan(SO WELCOME!). Santa Cruz was phenomenal as well. Great White and company gave us quite a show on Friday night with Maker's Mark, lap dances, and the usual madness. Thanks to all who came out to say hi. How I've missed you all.
Here's some photographic evidence of my travels. *side note* There is no photographic evidence of Santa Cruz because 1. I wasn't able to operate a camera and 2. we could probably get arrested for posting images like that.
Flying into the bay The 1. I highly suggest driving it. Big Sur Pee Spot. Great spot on the side of the road. If you can find it, you're a lucky person. Blue Jay at the Pee Spot. I'm considering selling this photo to National Geographic... Right before I was ambushed by 50 seagulls in Morro Bay. Word to the wise.... Don't throw muffin crumbs in the air here..... sigh..... Our family stomping ground in Big Sur
And now here I am. Right where I left me.

Where is my easy button!?!?!??!

Today I was clumsy. I blame gravitational flux! It's the only credible excuse I could have for breaking two items in my client's house in a 3 hour period. My boss is unimpressed. Though she did give me the benefit of the doubt by saying that "many people have been breaking things this week." ALAS! My cop out. It's frickin earth flux maaaan. Sadly, I didn't find enough strength in this argument to text this to her, or rather, I did but didn't want to be "that crazy hippy girl" at work. Whatever, the poles are switching and I'm feeling it.

Moving on...

Tommorow I board an airplane to Oakland. Oaklandazyulasym for all you Why? fans out there. Hopefully this trip will be lovely. I'm thinking good friends, Santa Cruz, maybe some tanning (Lord knows I need it), relaxation, perhaps a little romance. I figured since I laughed out loud at this I should probably share it with you as well... I digress...
The fact of the matter is, is that I should be more excited/stoked/bouncing off the wall right now but I'm more scared than anything. I had mentioned in an earlier blog that I have been having weird feelings. Well. They're still here. The kind that makes me wonder if going to La Honda is a good idea. Santa Cruz, duh, obviously that's a good idea. But La Honda is seeming more and more a call for confrontation. Either I will be courageous and spill all the words that get caught up in my throat everytime I see him or.... I will remain silent and cowardly. Neither of which are sounding easy. And this is supposed to be my vacation DAMN IT! WHERE IS MY EASY BUTTON!?!?!?!?! Ah yes... there it is...

I was reading "All About Love" by Bell Hooks the other day- A gem from my roommate Cassie's collection- and came to ponder on the thought of loving without fear of rejection. It's sooo noble sounding! I want to be that. I'm realizing that I need to make a call very soon and I'm leaning towards getting my ass handed to me by love rather than keeping my mouth closed like a polite little lady. Say a little prayer for me tonight, will you?
All image cred- Deviantart.com

28 Days Later

The 1
Big Sur

I'm going to California. Bought my plane ticket today. Soon enough I will be balls deep in vacation, cruising down the 1 with my beautiful friend, smoking cigs with Martha, and watching the sunset on the ocean, Red Stripe in hand on Pescadero Road. 4 months have passed since I've been to the Bay Area and I can't take it any longer. I need late night wrestling, bottles of wine, movies til I fall asleep, long hair, the scent of soap, redwoods, road trips, Pescadero burritos, The black beast, bare feet, morning greetings, coffee and cocoa puffs with the kitchen crew, APPLE JACKS (see below), did I mention redwoods, cleaning parties, Coyote Hill, Santa Cruz, and BIG FREAKING SUR! Hopefully I'll be able to fit all of this in 5 days.
Upon my arrival I can be sure of one thing, there will be Red Stripe waiting for me right out of the gate. When the time comes to leave I can be sure of one thing, I will try my hardest not to cry and probably fail miserably. Leaving La Honda has proven to be, emotionally, one of the hardest experiences I've had for awhile for several reasons... 1. I'm never quite sure of when I will be back (it's been averaging every 4 months or so)2. I wonder if my efforts are made in vain. and 3. I know that I probably won't be kissing anyone like that for a very very long time (I consider 4 months a very very long time).
So you may be asking yourself, "what the hell hammerhead? why so vague when referencing your romantic life?" In response I can only say that it has been a very very long road of dissapointments and I would hate to taint this one precious bit of amorous sanity that I have, some how, magically retained with this one person. Whether he knows it or not, I miss the shit out of him every day and can only hope that some time in the future, fate would have our paths cross again (for longer than 4 months out of the year). Until then..........
"We will lie under different stars I am where i am and you're where you are"- Trespassers William