Apparently it's Shark Week

A much awaited and highly popular series aired on the Discovery Channel is set to continue in August. SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, well what the producers of shark week haven't been told is that Portland Fucking Oregon is blowing up as we speak!!! For the safety of all males out there, I fear your chance to run has come and passed(swim faster!!! much faster!!!). And really, who is bothering with the safety of males these days anyway? (Cruel and sexist, I know. MUAHHAHA) But seriously, this blitzkrieg has suprised even us (Shark Circuit of Portland), and we apologize, wait.... no we don't.

A much feared and precious creature has come into her sharking skin. Kathleen (whom I've warned you of before) has settled into her dorsal fin and multiple layers of flesh shredding teeth. She is Bull Shark. Wikipedia reads, "The bull shark is well known for its unpredictable, often aggressive behavior. Since bull sharks often dwell in shallow waters, they may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark,[1] and, along with tiger sharks and great white sharks, are among the three shark species most likely to attack humans.[2]".

Fucking. terrifying.

In regards to the others, our fair friend Jenna is cruising the soft shore line these days as well. Her alias is yet to be determined due to the fact that her attack style and pattern is still quite an enigma. I'll keep you posted on this one.

So far we've decieded that "mega mouth" doesn't have the right ring to it. Though it is hilarious in context and look how damn cute this thing is.

Now you might be asking yourself, "what of the other sharks?" Ha! Well. I'm glad you asked. Great White Eversole has shark attacked in Santa Cruz, CA and is still.... wait... what... still attacking the same prey!??!?! What is this? How does this man have any limbs left?! I haven't seen it myself but I've heard there's carnage. Wow. I'm looking forward to meeting this brave man 4th of July weekend.

And Thresher.. don't even get me started. HAHAH awesome. I wanted to type "started" but started typing "shark" and it came out "sharted". LMAO okay sorry I digress.....Thresher is a holy heathen and has taken on the responsibility of terrorizing San Diego, CA for the week. Sorry there was no warning San Diego, but the damage has been done. Or so I hear through a wall of text messages I have recieved giving me play by play details. Thanks Threshies. I love to live vicariously through you. haha. sad.

Why is hammerhead sad? Because hammerhead got drunk on wednesday and attacked a piece of meat that smelled like Patchoulli. Waahhhhhh. Wish I remember what he looked like cus Mr. Born 5 Decades too late want's to take me out to get some hummus. HUMMMUS!!!! wtf.

Why today is so terrifying.

This One.

This is Leen. AKA Pooter. Today she turns 21. She may look like a nice girl. All sugar and spice and everything nice. Like here.....
But under that facade of seemingly girl next door demeanor, there is a rampant and wild she wolf cheetah waiting for that 5th shot of tequila that will unleash the beast. I'm pretty sure she's made out of some viscious desert carnivore, electric fence, and a bit of David Bowie. Look at that smirk. It's saying "Danger! I will break everything and everyone the day I'm allowed into a bar."

Terrifying.

Consider yourself warned Planet Earth.

So I was busy this weekend....

Several things on the agenda today...


This weekend I attended The Foundation Breakdance Battle at Bossanova. It was siiiiick. Push Jones got to perform and were even later complimented by the judge and former contestant of America's Best Dance Crew, Do-Knock. Turns out he's a fun guy to party with as well. After having a couple drinks at the battle me, some of the Push ladies, and Do-Knock mosied up the road to The Report for the after party. My heavens.... So many breakdancing people. Twixxx of the Massive Monkey's made an appearance (also from ABDC). After several whiskey/cokes I pulled out my favorite MC Hammer dance move in front of the hip hop professionals. If you're unsure what that looks like, watch this...I am such an idiot sometimes... Day 2 of Foundation was pretty decent too with my duties including PROMOTIONS! Some people scream and run away in fear and the first mention of doing promotion work. I on the other hand love to make an ass of myself in public and talk to large groups of people so I accepted the offer with open arms. That day I was promoting workshop a with Do-Knock and Twixx at my lovely home studio Vega Dance Lab the following day. I made sure everyone who even looked close to being able to dance recieved a flyer :) I found the best strategy if people tried to give the flyers back to was to drop my arms and insist that I had none. Muhahahaha. I'm evil. And uh.. New Push Jones poster by my choreographer's husband, Joe. So cool.

I actually ended up going to that workshop and it was kick ass. When I say kick ass I mean it kicked my ass. Today I am brandishing bruises and sore muscles. Apparently Do-Knock is a beast when it comes to choreography and it turned out to be most welcome. I was pushed. It was good. FEEL THE BURN! Twixxx ended up teaching a sort of freestyle workshop on how to jump into dance circles. I feel like I've always been pretty comfortable with this. My issue is getting some new material. The hammer can only take me so far, right? By the end of the class, I was exhausted but soo happy to have gone and been able to experience the talent these two dudes have to offer, let alone their kindess. Good people. Here's a video of them both. Be impressed.

www.whatthefuckdididolastnight.com

My prophesy has materialized. I 100% feel like death and I'm pretty certain I look worse than that little piggy picture on that last blog. Upon entering the warehouse last night my psychic sense once again kicked in and I knew 3 things for certain 1. Timber Jenny will be bleeding at some point tonight. 2. This big ole stamp on my hand will be on my forehead by tommorow morning. and 3. I have a lot of beer. And now here I am stamp on my oh so pounding and miserable head. I have no choice but to turn my good faith to the bottle of Lenoltec (caffiene, codiene, and acetominophen) that Great White smuggled back from Canada. It's really God's gift to earth in situations like these. In fact. Let's review the situation at hand shall we....






Oh shit whoops.. Wrong situation....

My Situation (please refer to footnotes): Went to a warehouse party last night. Drank a considerable amount of beer. Hung out with my most awesome wolfpack crew of friends (1). Danced to Motown. Drank more beer. Swung around on the dance floor swing for a hot second. Laughed my ass off at Timber when she comes to me with bleeding hands(2). Ran the kissing booth for the good part of an hour (wtf?*3*!!&). Went to my friend Stefanyes's (Stefanmaybe? Stefano? Stefanprobably not? Stefanhellno?) as to accompany two ladies who wouldn't have felt comfortable going alone. P.S. You fucking owe me dude. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich(4). Called his toolbar floormate out for being a misogynist a-hole. Showed him the door. Accepted his apology when he came back. Showed him the door again because he really was just a woman hating douche bag. Fell asleep on the only rug in the apartment under Stefanprobablynot's Carhart jacket, one leg slipped through an armhole at approximately 4:30 a.m. Considered farting in the hood just to spite him(5). Went to sleep instead. Woke up at 6:30 a.m. to get a ride back home. Went back to fucking bed.

Footnotes
1. They really are frickin awesome. I'm pretty sure I kissed a good portion of them last night.
2. Girlfriend fell on her ass somehow and managed to scrape the shit out of her hand. LMAO. Her description of it was "like sliding into home base." Incredible. Fucking incredible.
3. Don't ask me, why or how, but somehow I got into the kissing booth. Now my rational self would say "Hammerhead.... you are not heading home right now and you are WAY past hammered...what's the deal? There is a reason why you head home at night when you're hammered.. CUS YOU'RE A FUCKING WEREWOLF BEAST!!!!!!!" We all know now that the rational self was out to lunch last night. I'm pretty sure I kissed upwards of 20 people. Mostly of the female persuasion. Some girls a little longer than others because they smelled like cinnamon and tasted like mint but other than those few I kept the lips in an innocent pucker. JEEEZE I am ridiculous. But hey... I made three dollars.....
4. It was delicious.
5. Don't judge me, if you knew him you probably would want to fart in his hood too.

In light of my behavior last night, we can all say that it was a full moon, more specifically The Wolf Moon. And if you didn't know, not only do I belong to a society of sharks, but a pack of wolves. Thus the "landshark seawolf" title and thus, my comical behavior on such a epic lunar occurance. The crazies did come out. I was one of those crazies. I also might mention that I look like this....

Irresponsibilty at it's finest

People! It's Friday, Sabbath of the Party Gods. Any hint of exhaustion I might have experienced from today's long list of work and chores has vanished in a cloud of excitement and high hopes for this evenings events. Half of this newly fueled energy also being attributed to my rambuctious other half Timber Jenny because she is fucking stoked on life right now. I got home about 20 minutes ago and the woman will not stop talking to me about her latest ventures (those from last night).She is definitely breaking out of her shell a bit. Girlfriend is networking up a storm in SW Portland. The girl is finding new friends left and right. She's making me look like a freeking amatuer when it comes to socializing. All is well though, because in all honesty (haha Sarah), if Ole Ankle Weights finds a friend, automatically I make a friend. It's just one characteristic of our hetero life mate dynamic. Awesome.

Aside from all other kinds of awesome we have been invited to a warehouse party in NW tonight. What does this mean you might ask? It means we're going balls to wall in celebration of our glorious roommate Dan's friend Ashley's birthday. Wow. That was a mouth full but a welcome mouth full none the less. Rest assured I will have a mouth full of whiskey tonight if I play my cards right. Ahh alas! I've just been informed that a full moon is upon us and we all know what happens when there is a full moon. The crazies (crazys? CRAYZEES? sp?) come out.I will be one of those crazies. Timber Jenny will definitely be one of those crazies. And with any luck, we will look like this tommorow morning.