Apparently it's Shark Week

A much awaited and highly popular series aired on the Discovery Channel is set to continue in August. SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, well what the producers of shark week haven't been told is that Portland Fucking Oregon is blowing up as we speak!!! For the safety of all males out there, I fear your chance to run has come and passed(swim faster!!! much faster!!!). And really, who is bothering with the safety of males these days anyway? (Cruel and sexist, I know. MUAHHAHA) But seriously, this blitzkrieg has suprised even us (Shark Circuit of Portland), and we apologize, wait.... no we don't.

A much feared and precious creature has come into her sharking skin. Kathleen (whom I've warned you of before) has settled into her dorsal fin and multiple layers of flesh shredding teeth. She is Bull Shark. Wikipedia reads, "The bull shark is well known for its unpredictable, often aggressive behavior. Since bull sharks often dwell in shallow waters, they may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark,[1] and, along with tiger sharks and great white sharks, are among the three shark species most likely to attack humans.[2]".

Fucking. terrifying.

In regards to the others, our fair friend Jenna is cruising the soft shore line these days as well. Her alias is yet to be determined due to the fact that her attack style and pattern is still quite an enigma. I'll keep you posted on this one.

So far we've decieded that "mega mouth" doesn't have the right ring to it. Though it is hilarious in context and look how damn cute this thing is.

Now you might be asking yourself, "what of the other sharks?" Ha! Well. I'm glad you asked. Great White Eversole has shark attacked in Santa Cruz, CA and is still.... wait... what... still attacking the same prey!??!?! What is this? How does this man have any limbs left?! I haven't seen it myself but I've heard there's carnage. Wow. I'm looking forward to meeting this brave man 4th of July weekend.

And Thresher.. don't even get me started. HAHAH awesome. I wanted to type "started" but started typing "shark" and it came out "sharted". LMAO okay sorry I digress.....Thresher is a holy heathen and has taken on the responsibility of terrorizing San Diego, CA for the week. Sorry there was no warning San Diego, but the damage has been done. Or so I hear through a wall of text messages I have recieved giving me play by play details. Thanks Threshies. I love to live vicariously through you. haha. sad.

Why is hammerhead sad? Because hammerhead got drunk on wednesday and attacked a piece of meat that smelled like Patchoulli. Waahhhhhh. Wish I remember what he looked like cus Mr. Born 5 Decades too late want's to take me out to get some hummus. HUMMMUS!!!! wtf.

Better untitled emo bs.

The act is all too consuming, and then you're shrooming
and suddenly, the situation is so dire and sad you want to laugh
The oil spills, trillion dollar bills, and the lonely that sticks at your side like a friend with nothing better to do.
I could crush a can in my fist every time I feel pissed from watching cute indie couples kiss.
I could shut all the windows, watch stupid tv. shows and forget our huge fucking debt exists.
But that isn't very helpful is it?
I'll start with a shower to scrape this sadness off my skin.

Da Bizness

So I wrote half of this a few days ago and the rest today. Considering rapping it or using it for slam poetry sometime. Feedback is encourged. Thanks. So I'm sitting here pondering life in my fist
thinking "there's really no need to get pissed
cus I work everyday and I'm still poor as fuck."
Just a material girl a little down her on luck.
But that got me going down another thought path
You know I'm actually well off if you consider the math...
I've got shoes on my feet, air in my lungs
Live in the land of the free so I can still purchase guns
And what more could you ask for in this day and age?
You can still live like kings and yet be slaves to the wage
But I'll be the first to admit that I don't have it all
Remembering the adage "oh how the mighty do fall"
Live as simple as you can and I'm sure that you'd find
that real value is locked in your heart and your mind.
Not your iphone, your laptop, your high tech contraptions
Though I have my fair share and they are lovely distractions
Just please don't forget that you are here with a purpose
We're all little acts in this huge freak show circus
And we're only as strong as our weakest of links
So we're all going down if this fucking ship sinks...

Breakfast Remix

Hey all. Feeling slightly under the weather today due to last night's Carlo Rossi binge with my ladies. After revisiting my breakfast, I felt inspired to blog about much nicer things like some of my favorite Portland establishments and vendors. So here we go.

Vendors

Antic- Why is he sooooo cool? Antic is a locally based artist who pretty much pops out little gems on American Apparel shirts. Fucking golden. He's got a store in NE PDX as well as a booth at the Saturday Market. Recently he's been printing his designs on these fantastic underwears from Seattle. I want them. Anywho, if you're interested you can check his website out at http://www.anticink.com/. Not only does he have Premades available but will also do custom (CUSTTTOOOMM!!**$$$##$$!!) prints on whatever you fucking want. He's pretty easy on the eyes too, if I do say so myself.

Next up.

Courtney is a Seahorse- Effing love her. The first time I found her booth at the Saturday Market I walked by and had to pull a double take. So much rainbow bursting with feathers and gem stones. Basically everything I could ever want in a fashion designer. It's incredible really, how she takes really subtle earthy tones and throws some iridescence on that shit and POW! a masterpiece. I'm having a hard time getting over my new feather hair thing from her. And plus, she seems to be a really cool girl. Anywho, I applaud her efforts because her booth's got me coming back for more. I demand that you visit her website http://www.courtneyisaseahorse.com/

Note! Courtney also does clothes and hair pins. *flutter*

Restaurants

Jam on Hawthorne- So bomb. This establishment is cool and everyone knows it so you're going to have to wait outside. But it's cool cus there's coffee out there and hopefully some sunshines. The real kicker is once you get in, their breakfast cocktail selection is pure magic. So many kinds of mamosas and bloody marys, you'll spend most of your time looking at this part of the menu. Whatever you order food wise, will probably be quality as well. Overall, shit is worth the wait.

The Doug Fir- Reasons why I like this place- the food is pretty damn good, the prices are reasonable, there is always good music downstairs, and the wait staff is pretty attractive. Oh, and their water is good which sounds stupid but trust me. It's better than other water. I also have a soft place in my heart for the Doug Fir because it was here that I snuck in underage to a Subtle show and got to meet the very sexy and very kind, Dose One. *sigh* Only draw back to this place is the seemingly blank men standing at the door checkng ids. They don't have a sense of humor, and that's not their fault I guess.

So I had every intention of commenting on some of my favorite Stumptown bars earlier but it's come to my attention that this blog is starting to resemble a novel (blovel if you will) and that just won't do. Plus, breakfast remix has really slowed me down quite a bit and has got me slightly less inspired to talk about alcohol. So fair thee well as I try to shake off this feeling because honestly, right now I feel like a bag of dicks. THANKS!

This is me in a nut shell. I don't know how I got into this nut shell...

Only a few weeks after Timber Jenny and I moved into our SE abode did we realize that we were not the only tenants of our room. At first, there was the scratching. Tiny reminders now and then that we were not alone. As time went by, the scratching became more frequent, accompanied by the occasional.... I don't know what you call it.... cooing? chirping? whatever.

Now we sit here in absolute certainty knowing that we are fellow tenants to 1 MILLION SQUIRRELS!

We came to this realization last weekend when Timber's mother was visiting. She had befriended a cute little squirrel on our porch which she named, Rocky. Rocky seemed wholesome and innocent, but overly friendly. He had a wheeze and I was curious as to whether he had lung complications. Upon leaving the porch and heading to the second story bathroom Cindy (Timber's mother), heard wheezing at the window..... how peculiar.. And there was Rocky again, wheezing at the window.

Well..... Rocky has pulled a full on BLITZKREIG on our house. 2 weeks ago when exploring the attic for the first time, we found nothing but nut shells. He was toying with us. We are quite sure he and his girlfriend are fornicating in our attic/bedroom walls as I write this. We hear wheezing/chirping/cooing, but much more animated than before. We hear comotion. Furthermore, as our housemate DMLH left the house, he beckoned me outside. On the very tip top point of our house wheezed/chirped/cooed Rocky, triumphantly. He has claimed his dominion. This is the squirly nut house.

Mother fucker better start payin some rent....

Why today is so terrifying.

This One.

This is Leen. AKA Pooter. Today she turns 21. She may look like a nice girl. All sugar and spice and everything nice. Like here.....
But under that facade of seemingly girl next door demeanor, there is a rampant and wild she wolf cheetah waiting for that 5th shot of tequila that will unleash the beast. I'm pretty sure she's made out of some viscious desert carnivore, electric fence, and a bit of David Bowie. Look at that smirk. It's saying "Danger! I will break everything and everyone the day I'm allowed into a bar."

Terrifying.

Consider yourself warned Planet Earth.

You're welcome in advance..

Because my friends have left me for spring break, I've decided to catch up on those movies that I want to see but never rent because I am either too lazy, embarrassed, or broke to do so. My picks for this week were Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, New Moon of the Twilight Saga, and This Is It about Michael Jackson's last tour. I was filled with so much commentary I figured I better share some of it with you.

First and foremost ALICE AND WONDERLAND.
My Thoughts: Lovely to look at (costumes, CGI, cast), engaging and dynamic plot, a bit short, and strange sexual tension between the Mad Hatter and Alice. This was the first movie I've ever seen in 3D and after the initial disorientation, was much appreciated for the journey into Wonderland (Underland?) I suggest going to see this movie if you have no other plans.

Next Up NEW MOON. Ugh Bleah. Gag me with a fucking spoon. This movie is even shittier than the first. Okay, yea I understand why A TON of people are into this saga. It's filmed pretty well and the folks are hot but I will say this once again, these qualities CANNOT save your whole movie. For one, I don't believe that Bella and Edward love eachother because...(exhibit A. They have shown no qualities of a healthy relationship together since the dawn of Twilight. Where is the laughing? The occasional date night? THE APPRECIATION OF BEING INDEPENDANT HUMAN BEINGS?!?!?) (exhibit B. Bella is so frickin whiney and waifish, who could love her?)(exhibit C. No chemistry what so ever. Watching them kiss is painful. It's like they're both sucking on a raw slab of beef).

More reasons why this movie sucks...... too much heavy breathing.no jokes (they're situation is ridiculous, they could really use some comedic relief every now and then). Kristen Stewart makes this face for the length of the whole movie. Lastly, the dialogue is waay to serious for me to keep a straight face. You're not fooling me, Twilight.

THIS IS IT ENCORE!!! ENCORE!!!!!!!! O wait.. Shit. That's not quite possible is it. (too soon?) This film was basically just rehearsal footage from Michael's final tour and DAMN did he have his shit together. He basically pulled together some of the most talented dancers, techs, and musicians to create a... I don't even think you could call it a show. A SPECTACULAR! Yes that's it! A SPECTACULAR!I'm talking some serious pyrotechnics. Needless to say, I'm very sad Michael has left us because he was a GENIOUS musician and artist and had some serious vision. If you have any appreciation for live performances, check this one out.... even though.. it's not really live anymore is it?

Urban Dictionary said so!

I just checked out Urbandictionary.com. Why has it taken me so long to find this gem? I was very pleased to find defintions for people's names so I decided to post a little something about my roommates here according to Urban Dictionary.com. Some may have multiple definitions that were noteworthy so I included them. Hopefully this goes well.....

Laurel
1. A beautiful girl whos greatest wish is to be loved unconditionally. She loves dancing in the rain, spinning in endless circles till she collapses from exaustion and watches the colours of the rainbow fly overhead.( A bit vain, I know).2.A word to describe a person with a flirty and sometimes niave/innocent character. Slowly becoming a label, like chav, emo, goth ect. 3. Tila Tequila's secret lover. 4. A tree that dogs like to hump.

Sarah
1.The name "Sarah" is translated from the Hebrew language. It means "Princess"... and rightly so! 2. A sexy little creature. 3.A hero, a friend, a sexy peice of ass."Who's that girl over there with the toad in her hand? Oh, that's my friend Sarah. Isn't she a sexy piece of ass? Yeah, what a hero."4.A quiet, sensitive girl. Loves animals and loves to be with people. Not selfish and thinks of others constantly. doesnt always revolve her life around guys, and thinks education is more important. (Sarah's actual response to this was.."Oh, I guess some Sarah's are like that." haha.

Cassie
1.Beautiful, but they never admit it. They are very vulnerable, and they fall into peer-pressure often. Sweet, but they can be mean if provoked.Their laughs are amazing, and they give great hugs.

Joe
1.He is a beautiful, terrible being. A destroyer of worlds. The conquerer of Earth. He is all that is man. Beautiful women flock to him. He will rule the world with his iron fist and see that only the strong prosper (LMAO) 2. A man's man.Extremely Awesome. 3. An Unstoppable man who kills anyone in his way. 4.a young buck who knows what women like, and satisfies PYTs on a regular basis.

Dan
1. noun A man of unusual humor, consistently finding strange, and lewd comments amusing and/or entertaining in a way as to prevoke violent and uncontrolled outbursts of laughter. 2. What your girl be screamin' while you at work (awesome) 3. stone cold pimp, mac daddy.

Brian
1.Term for the best guy friend conversationalist. Someone you can vent to an actually get feedback and opinions. 2.A reliable "lean on me" kinda friend. (Brian just moved in but I feel like this could be valid.)

And so you have it. My roomies. My loverly loverly roomies.