PATRIOTISM!!!!! BEER!!!!! BIKINIS!!!!! CRACK!!

Hey all. How the hell are you today? Are you stoked on life?!?!? On sunshine!?! On crack?!?!MMM??!??!? You know I was going to a go a completely different direction there but ended up googling "on crack" and guess who's lovely face showed. Yes, dearest Amy is at it again. Crimeny I'm glad I'm not a celebrity. Girlfriend's got so many people riding her ass how could she not do crack? There's nothing else left to do! Oh yea, well...... you could maybe go.... to..... rehab..?? mm? Food for thought.

Moving on.

Why this weekend already is blowing my mind: my inner patriot shall roam free by bike, by water, and by foot. Sheer heathenry will be unleashed upon my quaint hometown of Redding, CA. Can you handle the heat Redding!!?!?! Or I guess a better question is, can we Oregon ladies handle Redding's heat? Fucking 106 degrees! Are you serious? I've been turning the fan on when we peak at 80 up here. Jeepers, I'm sweating already just thinking about it. However the outcome, I will be pleased if I can return to the green state looking slightly less pale and slightly more ravaged from an incredible weekend.

There will be....... THIS!!!!!!!!The Sevylor Mesh River Tube 3000! Complete with backrest, 2 Fucking cupholders!, and my personal favorite Snap and Stay feature to be able to hang with friends! I totally just stepped up my 4th of July plans by purchasing this bad boy. And what of Gummy!? Yes Gummy my beloved alligator that got my lovely ass down the Truckee River for a week straight last summer. He's coming too.. If not for anyone's transportation than for my own personal enjoyment and his veteran voyage. Love you Gummy, my man.
What is more, is that rafting the ole sacapatatoes river is happening the day BEFORE the 4th so I can build my patriotic fever all day long saturday with four lokos, and sun, and gummy and then spew it all out (I mean get reallly fucking patriotic on the 4th). What this means : I will be wearing my American flag bikini top and will be quoting famous presidents and Team America all day long. (FUCK YEA!) I will be hanging with the highest concentration of lady sharks since... I don't even know when. We got Hammerhead, Threshies, Angel Shark, Bull Shark, Frilled Shark, and Great White will be out there driftin on Shasta Lake. Things might erupt... Like Mt. Shasta cus it's so close and all.
Adding to the madness will be my cousin Eden. Thank god. She is fanastic. We've barely been together since the days she used to pinch me and tell me I was the boy when we would play house, but hey, I like her attitude. Girl gives off some shark vibes. I'll let you know about that one... And my broja! And his new girlfriend. This should be fantastic.

To summarize this lump of crap garbage I've just barfed all over you, I'm going to Redding this weekend with my girls. We're gonna raft down the river, bike to the bars, watch some fireworks, and probably attack things. You've been warned Dirty 530.

Apparently it's Shark Week

A much awaited and highly popular series aired on the Discovery Channel is set to continue in August. SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, well what the producers of shark week haven't been told is that Portland Fucking Oregon is blowing up as we speak!!! For the safety of all males out there, I fear your chance to run has come and passed(swim faster!!! much faster!!!). And really, who is bothering with the safety of males these days anyway? (Cruel and sexist, I know. MUAHHAHA) But seriously, this blitzkrieg has suprised even us (Shark Circuit of Portland), and we apologize, wait.... no we don't.

A much feared and precious creature has come into her sharking skin. Kathleen (whom I've warned you of before) has settled into her dorsal fin and multiple layers of flesh shredding teeth. She is Bull Shark. Wikipedia reads, "The bull shark is well known for its unpredictable, often aggressive behavior. Since bull sharks often dwell in shallow waters, they may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark,[1] and, along with tiger sharks and great white sharks, are among the three shark species most likely to attack humans.[2]".

Fucking. terrifying.

In regards to the others, our fair friend Jenna is cruising the soft shore line these days as well. Her alias is yet to be determined due to the fact that her attack style and pattern is still quite an enigma. I'll keep you posted on this one.

So far we've decieded that "mega mouth" doesn't have the right ring to it. Though it is hilarious in context and look how damn cute this thing is.

Now you might be asking yourself, "what of the other sharks?" Ha! Well. I'm glad you asked. Great White Eversole has shark attacked in Santa Cruz, CA and is still.... wait... what... still attacking the same prey!??!?! What is this? How does this man have any limbs left?! I haven't seen it myself but I've heard there's carnage. Wow. I'm looking forward to meeting this brave man 4th of July weekend.

And Thresher.. don't even get me started. HAHAH awesome. I wanted to type "started" but started typing "shark" and it came out "sharted". LMAO okay sorry I digress.....Thresher is a holy heathen and has taken on the responsibility of terrorizing San Diego, CA for the week. Sorry there was no warning San Diego, but the damage has been done. Or so I hear through a wall of text messages I have recieved giving me play by play details. Thanks Threshies. I love to live vicariously through you. haha. sad.

Why is hammerhead sad? Because hammerhead got drunk on wednesday and attacked a piece of meat that smelled like Patchoulli. Waahhhhhh. Wish I remember what he looked like cus Mr. Born 5 Decades too late want's to take me out to get some hummus. HUMMMUS!!!! wtf.

The year of the Shark

According to the Chinese this is the year of the Tiger. They are wrong. The shark will prevail in 2010. It's imminent. My companions are blood thirsty like never before. I myself am feeling a tinge of hunger. It has been 4 months since my last attack and I cannot deny my nature, I am a predator. It seems Thresher has pulled some brief assaults recently. MAN DOWN!!! And Great White, from what I've gathered has pulled a solid blitzkreig on the small town of Santa Cruz, California. I was awoken last night at 2 a.m. by a voicemail brandishing the melody of "Bad Touch" by the Blood Hound Gang. This is no doubt a beacon to all sharks saying "Blood has been shed on the battle field". Crimeny.

As I sit here in the Saturday morning sun, I am feeling thankful for multiple things in my life. 1. The beautiful lizard on my shoulder, Ms. Crusty Buttons. 2. Push Jones' first performance was a success!!! 3. I will be in the bay area in 19 days. and
4. Not only will I be seeing mister wonderful, but will also be visiting with GREAT WHITE the legend herself. This both frightens and excites me because these two people I cherish will be in the same proximity for the first time ever. Great White Eversole is notorious for the gauntlets she'll run a man through before he is deemed a worthy challenger. In most cases, I've been in the position to play jury to Judge GW in regards to sizing up fellow shark's bait. I am now in the hot seat. God help me. Mister W has definitely peaked the interest of my Lady White, a direct quote "let's see what kind of man has kept Hammerhead so locked down on nights when I'm making out with 2nd grade teachers".
The poor bastard doesn't even know that I've practically purified myself in his honor. This shall be interesting....

“A hidden connection is stronger than an obvious one.”
Heraclitus of Ephesus

Knotty Girl

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now... with my dreadlocks. It all started when I was a young girl in middle school searching for a definition of beauty that I could agree with. I saw it every day in school, at the mall, on mtv. Beauty! Ahh so beauty is a size 0 waist, bleach blonde hair, and a Roxy label! Aha! I get it! I'm fuckin on it! And I so was. Wore Roxy every day of my life, highlighted my already blonde hair, and battled with myself behind closed doors about why I couldn't squeeze into those Tiny Wahine jeans cus they fit me perfectly fine last year, damn it!

It was precious. Me and my 20 girl friends looked exactly a like, sometimes wore the same thing to school (fucking bitch!), and spoke like the cast of Legally Blonde. Eventually we grew out of it. I went polar and tried the goth look for awhile. There was something so dark/mysterious/dirty about that whole getup. My parents sat back in horror thinking, "what the hell has happened to our pristine child?" I sat back in defiance saying, "Hey guess what I'm going to peirce next?" I guess we all go through that stage, right? Anywho the point is, during this time I began experimenting with dreads. I would twist off sections, stick it with gallons of hair shit, and VOILA!!!! My mother's nightmare! (Looked in the archives for some evidence, but none of such has been recovered. I might have burned them all. haha) Ma flipped and my step father demanded that I "never do that to (my) hair again."

Okay... I won't... Until I'm 18 and don't give a FUUUUHHHCCCCCKKK. Almost immediately after graduating high school I took the plunge. After so many years of posing as this homecoming cheer vanilla queen it was time to recreate myself, in one sense or another. My boyfriend at the time was fully supportive which made the first year of my transition easier. The first year is always the hardest. I ended up looking like Sideshow Bob for a good portion of it and kept them back more times than not. It was crazy how much people's perception of me changed. You see I was born in raised in a small town in Northern California. You walked into the market and you see 12 people you went to high school with (AT LEAST 12). They're going to have something to say. I got a lot of "what did you do's?" and "when are you going to brush them outs". These questions solidified my decision to keep them.
"Because I fucking want to and this is America people!"

Little did I know that this being America also gives employers the right to not hire me. Going from never having issues getting a job to barely scraping an interview, reality struck. Redding, CA hates my hair!!!*^*&&%!!!!! >:0 Those mutherfuckers.................

From dis to dis

What to do? OOhhhh yea! Move away! GENIOUS! So I came to Portland. Finally I'm not stared at like a psycho every time I go to pick up a sammich at a public establishment! And yet, another block.... Once I turned 21 I realized a few ever so disturbing trends happening in my social life....
Here I am 3 years have gone by since my last solid relationship and I'm starting to feel like there is a coincidence here... Are guys afraid of my hair? I mean I've definitely encountered those who didn't want to touch them (yea... if that wasn't sure enough of a sign that it wasn't going to work out) and then there are those who act like they don't care but really don't show any interest in taking me home to mom (you were boring anyways.) I was seriously starting to feel like I had some how weaved a voodoo curse into my do. I'm currently still battling this, though my closest friends feel that the reasoning is my hair could be projecting an overwhelming and intimidating confidence that most guys don't want to deal with. Fair enough.

But still! Guys do approach me. It only came upon me quite recently why I thought they weren't. Whenever the sharks go sharkin, my beautiful lady companions get hit on instantly. As they should, they're fucking hott malicious predators. But I, on the other hand tread water. I make friendly conversation with people and then... people... all kinds of people, boys and girls come to me and say...
hey I like your hair".

Really? You have nothing else to say to me? I am instantly turned off. It sounds stuck up but it's just how I operate. I finally realize that I do get hit on, it's just the same line from EVERYONE. I appreciate the sentiment but you've got to see where I'm coming from here. *Ssnnnooore zzZZzzz* However, one guy did ask if he could smell my dreads the other day, 10 seconds after meeting me... Original. but creepy. I appeased his desire for a sniff, smiled and nodded when he said "hey they don't smell bad at all, I was expecting gnarly!", and got the hell out of there as soon as possible.

So there is my rant on my hair. It's been quite a conversation piece over the last few years so I have a ton of thoughts on it. Bottom line, I wash them, I'm not a rastafarian, I don't smoke weed (that often), I don't listen to Bob Marley (that often) and I have no intention of getting rid of them anytime soon. I bitch and I moan about all this but in reality, I love my hair. It's easy to maintain, I can still feel beautiful, my bearded dragon can hide in them, I never need a hair tie, and I like to think it challenges people. My mother has now accepted them and they're growing on my boss. It challenges me in a sense as well because I have to project my personality out even further to those who don't know me because most of the time, they get caught up in my appearance. I promise I'm clean and polite! Most of the time.....

Shark Bait Oo Ha Ha

You are all in a lot of trouble and you don't even know it. To the best of my knowledge, I can say that at least 2 cities on the west coast are unsafe for mankind (men more specifically speaking). Those cities being Portland, OR and Santa Cruz, CA. I can tell you from experience, that vicious attacks happen almost every weekend by man eaters of the most vicious variety. The shark. You would be right to assume that the shark to be most feared and admired for it's predatory abilities is The Great White. She is flawless in her attack(most of the time). She is quick, to the point, and always wants a kiss. Many a night I have sat back from the merriment to watch the dance. A few shots of whiskey, perhaps a heated debate, and then comes the pucker and the demand. "Pawease gimme a kiss". She's got you fool. Amanda, you are a sharking legend. Keep up the good work. But remember my friend, "even great white's make mistakes".

Shark number 2, but my wingwoman, Thresher. If you are not familiar with the Thresher shark, I suggest you acquaint yourself, and quite quickly. It's the backlash of the tail that proves deadly. She is small and innocent looking, but a scorpion hell beast with eyes to kill. You may not know that you're being sharked on. In fact, it generally takes several days to several months for an attack to even become apparent. But when it does, you will either feel like you're on cloud nine or a bag of dicks. Comparable to the Great White in magnetism, watch your ass boys. She'll getcha.. (in the best way of course).

And myself, Hammerhead. Aptly named for my inclination when at the bar to get hammered and head home. In recent months, I have proven to be vegetarian in nature. I'll flirt, I'll dance, I'll tell jokes in the bathroom line, but there's a pretty good chance that I'm not interested in taking you home with me. My reasoning stems from an everlong battle with diehard/hopeful/romantic loyalty. I could be a fool or perhaps I'm not, and I am waiting for a reason. But for right now, I'm happy refraining from inviting people I find mediocre back to my house so I can sit in my room the next day grabbing my dreads hoping that I didn't fuck up some predestined course I had been working on to someday make it back to him. Nope. I am a dreamer and he is my Everest.

Thus, you have the sharks. 3 Girlfriends who have known eachother since scrunchies and tetherball were the shit. We have fun, we kick ass, and we will rip you to shreds. Sadly, Great White has left us in Portland to return to SC. Her time here was well spent, and in the near future I will confess some of the oddities and great happenings that came from her dwelling in Stumptown. Allow me to not forget to mention the other lady sharks prowlings these waters. The Mako, Angel, and Tiger shark are representing along the west coast. More to come about them as well.