Psycho City- Population, Me.

All evidence points to one clear and definite adjective to describe the Hammerhead.. Psycho.

Yea that's me. Let me explain to you how I've come to this realization. Or actually, allow me to tell you in a haiku because as I laughed/kicked myself the next morning I realized such insanity should only be put back together in poetic form. Otherwise, I fear, it's just too pathetic for words.

Hump Day with the ladies

Four Loko, Whiskey, and all things crazy

Invited to a rap show.

Cute boy, in my opinion.

Forgot to eat dinner, Did not forget to drink more.

Dancing asses off.

A broken bra (from dancing)

Hitting on cute boy hard.

Boy says "I have a girlfriend"

Akward Turtle

Stubborn Hammerhead stumbles out.

Kind of regretting calling him out.

FML.

So what makes most of this so akward is that boy is an employee at my local grocery store. God Damn it..... I'm seeing a pattern here. An announcement for my friends out there - if you see me approaching any more Trader Joe employees knock me out with a two by four before I open my mouth cus I'm thinking my luck isn't running too strong there. THANKS.

Boys in the Makeup Hood.

This blog is for all the fellas out there who wake up in the morning, get in the shower, brush their, teeth, and then decide that it's a good day to throw on some eyeliner. Yes, those silly boys. As initially turned off I am by this act, I can't help but hoping that maybe someday Glamour Boy might take advantage of me in the throws of some strange and surreal fantasy. Not just any boy in lipstick though. I have my few candidates that I have secretly (or not so secretly) swooned over since the tender age of 10. Case and point Jay Gordon.

If you didn't know, Jay is the lead singer of Orgy. I used to run home from the bus stop every day in elementry school when Blue Monday was on TRL. Just to see his lovely ass glamoring away on the ole boob tube. For the record, Jay you still get me hott in your plastic outfits and fucked up hair dos.

Up next Ville Valo, lead singer of HIM Okay, I'm gonna have to really hand this one over to my sister. She was the original bleeding heart for Valo. I mean, technically I only knew of his existence because of her die hard commitment to listening to their records on repeat (My personal favorite being Razorblade Romance). Regardless of his serious as shit lyrics, the Villmeister can be quite a queen (see Join Me In Death video) leaving me wondering if it's boys he might really be wanting to cut himself with. Yea, bust out your sharp edges people, cus this guy will only have you if you're willing to bleed on an alter of roses and poisonous beverages. Seeing as though that's really not my scene anymore (Jade, I don't think it's yours either) we can sit back and admire from a far, all the while rocking out to Sweet 666 and enjoying UV, flowers, and not dying. P.S Just googled "Boys in makeup" and guess who was the first to pop up. LMAO you slay me Valo.

And at last, a more recent fabulous crush would be Elijah Blue (Or if he had his way Phillips Exeter Blue) of Deadsy and, strikingly enough of Cher. Yes, Cher's baby grew up to be kind of a Baldwin in a weird and sparkley kind of way.

Anywho, I ended up really loving this band, Deadsy. One because their music is kind of awesome (an aquired taste, however), two cus they have this pretty interesting theme going on (see visual appearance on the wiki page), and three because most of their songs reference a dear book and idealogy of mine, Urantia. Even if the book is total crap (obviously not my view) I still think it's awesome that he writes fantastic songs about it. Reading is sexy Blue. Reading is totttallly sexy. Here, I'll leave you with a little video of Deadsy's, because most likely, you've never fucking heard of them.

And to end it right, I wanted to mention a few runners up because they are also, fabulous glitzy glam rock boys.

Marilyn Manson- inspired me to wear heart shaped glasses for a year. God his girlfriend's hott too. Brian Molko of Placebo- Apparently he has a kid? I'm not convinced, but you're hott to me in a creepy way so Ima gonna let that one slide B. Tim Curry at all times. He is sexual, creepy and violent. Kinda turns me on a little bit. OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Look what I found!!!! Brian Molko givin Ville Valo a little smoochy smooch. That's fine by me boys but good luck explaining this to your son, Molko.

Tuesday morning 1, Hammerhead 0.

Who knew a Tuesday morning could be so terribly akward. This morning seemed to be going quite well. How very fooled I was by your seemingly pleasant air,Tuesday...

Woke up around 9:30. Got some donuts with Timber (very unexpected unspoken psychic urge between both of us, only realized as I casually mentioned it walking out the door. Timber wanted donuts too and that is NOT a usual thing for either of us). I digress..... We were on our way out to buy some more coffee for our porch sittin session so we headed off to Safeway after Acme Donuts. Once in Safeway I make a beeline for the coffee aisle. I make it 3/4 the way down the aisle before a vision brings me to a halt. Ahh recognition. Standing there checking out the cereal is the boy I bravely gave my number to in Trader Joes last year. I had discontinued my cell phone about a week of not receiving a call from him. Did he ever call? Who knows. (please see FML.com). So I turn back quickly to see if Timber understands the situation at hand. She does not. I turn back trying to pull the tiny bit of normal hair I have left over my eyes. Death Lock Style.

My shab-ass attempt at hiding my identity is thwarted. Mr. TJ notices me, and recognizes me. He says "Hey". I say "Hi". He says "What's going on?" I say "Not much", staring at the coffee selection like I'm trying to burn holes in the cans with my lazer vision. I choose a brand quickly and dart to the end of the aisle to redenvous with Timber. She asks me, "Did you know that guy just said Hi to you?" I say, "Do you know who that guys is!?!?!??!!" I refresh her mind. She laughs heartily. FUUUCK. Made even more akward by the fact that he keeps popping up in the same sections of the store as us, including self-checkout. I thought I was safe in SE seeing as though his Trader Joe's location is in NE. Thank you, Akward Tuesday Morning for reminding me that it's never quite safe to just roll out of bed in the morning and mosey on out into the public....

Did we share a moment?

Today was the last day of Timber's mother and co. visiting so we decided to take them to Saturday Market. It was a beautiful morning really. The sun was out, I woke up without a hangover (usually unheard of on Sundays), and I was feeling real nice about the situation overall. After a rather profound palm reading from the lovely Maria (almost cried), Leen, Timber, and myself decided to grab a huge beer and enjoy some UVs. Everything was peachy until...... Creepy Mark!

It starts like this.... My ladies and I are standing there in the middle of the market and all of a sudden a late 40's early 50ish bloke comes over and stands in our huddle. We look on confused as he introduces himself "Hi. I'm Mark".

All together now, "Hi Mark." Us=Looking. Blinking. Confused.

Mark turns to yours truly, slowly bringing his hand up to cup him man boob and says, "Hey. I'm sorry but did we share a moment back there a few minutes ago?"

Horror. "No. We did not".

Mark seemed suprised. I don't quite know what he might have had in mind for the chemistry between the two of us but it makes me kind of nauseas. Leen made a good point when she said "just because we are of legal drinking age, does not nessecarily make us fair game". Well said. When you resemble the guy below, but your smirk is creepier and your picking up on girls that could be your daughters age at a street fair, there's a good chance we won't be hitting it off. Sowwy.

"Yea he's just hanging out... Oh wait no... he's dead.."

So... I found a dead horse today. Yep. I have the terrible image stuck in my head. I'll spare you the gorey details but it definitely triggered my gag reflex. I've decided that the experience of finding a dead horse is comparable to witnessing puppies getting kicked and tortured. At least, I can only imagine the two events conjuring the same emotional response for me. Hopefully, I forget that image really really freeaking soon. I had a feeling I was going to see some death today because last night I had a dream about one of my family members being pregnant. Look it up, dream psychology is weird shit. Anywho...

Rest in Peace Pepper. You were a tired old thing and I never really got close to you cus I thought you were gonna bite me.. But.. you were white, and I liked that about you...

I don't think we're on the same page.

A little word of advice to the fellas out there, I don't mind friendly conversation at the bar. I don't even mind you rambling my ear off about your band for an hour while I try to watch The Shining in subtitles. But if you ask for my number and I give you my email address, there's a good chance I don't want to meet you for drinks next week. Below is a picture of me after recieving your email today.

You're welcome in advance..

Because my friends have left me for spring break, I've decided to catch up on those movies that I want to see but never rent because I am either too lazy, embarrassed, or broke to do so. My picks for this week were Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, New Moon of the Twilight Saga, and This Is It about Michael Jackson's last tour. I was filled with so much commentary I figured I better share some of it with you.

First and foremost ALICE AND WONDERLAND.
My Thoughts: Lovely to look at (costumes, CGI, cast), engaging and dynamic plot, a bit short, and strange sexual tension between the Mad Hatter and Alice. This was the first movie I've ever seen in 3D and after the initial disorientation, was much appreciated for the journey into Wonderland (Underland?) I suggest going to see this movie if you have no other plans.

Next Up NEW MOON. Ugh Bleah. Gag me with a fucking spoon. This movie is even shittier than the first. Okay, yea I understand why A TON of people are into this saga. It's filmed pretty well and the folks are hot but I will say this once again, these qualities CANNOT save your whole movie. For one, I don't believe that Bella and Edward love eachother because...(exhibit A. They have shown no qualities of a healthy relationship together since the dawn of Twilight. Where is the laughing? The occasional date night? THE APPRECIATION OF BEING INDEPENDANT HUMAN BEINGS?!?!?) (exhibit B. Bella is so frickin whiney and waifish, who could love her?)(exhibit C. No chemistry what so ever. Watching them kiss is painful. It's like they're both sucking on a raw slab of beef).

More reasons why this movie sucks...... too much heavy breathing.no jokes (they're situation is ridiculous, they could really use some comedic relief every now and then). Kristen Stewart makes this face for the length of the whole movie. Lastly, the dialogue is waay to serious for me to keep a straight face. You're not fooling me, Twilight.

THIS IS IT ENCORE!!! ENCORE!!!!!!!! O wait.. Shit. That's not quite possible is it. (too soon?) This film was basically just rehearsal footage from Michael's final tour and DAMN did he have his shit together. He basically pulled together some of the most talented dancers, techs, and musicians to create a... I don't even think you could call it a show. A SPECTACULAR! Yes that's it! A SPECTACULAR!I'm talking some serious pyrotechnics. Needless to say, I'm very sad Michael has left us because he was a GENIOUS musician and artist and had some serious vision. If you have any appreciation for live performances, check this one out.... even though.. it's not really live anymore is it?

De Dee De De DEE de Dee. TEQULIA!

Last night was interesting... I'm sure all parties involved would agree. Looking back I think there is only one thing to blame for last night's happenings. TEQUILA! As soon as I got off of dance rehearsal yesterday my presence was requested at Fostey's house in NoPo. I drove straight there and dove right into a nice game of "fuck the dealer" outside on the grass in the warm sunshine. Yes Please!.. After putting on steady buzz we decided it was Teach Timber how to perform a proper cartwheel time (Always a good choice after a couple margaritas). All I can really say about that is wow... she's gonna be feeling that tommorow. Imagine trying to land 20 cartwheels on your your ass. Not fun.......but really quite hilarious.
Got some drunk dialing done last night. Called Justin even though I had spoken with him two hours prior. You know when you start to get drunk and there's one person you really really really really want to talk to even though you have nothing to say? Yea, it was kind of like that. It seemed like he shared my enthusiasm at the time though so I feel like the drunk dialing was justified in some sense or another. And if it wasn't justified then it was definitely Justinified which I think is much better anyways.
Further on into the night I find myself praying to the porcelain goddess. Nothing came of it but I felt much safer there than anywhere else when the room started spinning. You would hope that I would have enough common sense to realize that I should eat something with my margaritas. But no.. I had to jump the gun as usual. Anyways, I don't actually end up yacking but do crawl into the tub for a little R&R. Luckily, KathLeenypoo finds me 10 minutes later and crawls in with me. Ah yes. 2 girls, 1 tub. Perfect. I'm fairly certain that we didn't climb out of the tub for another hour or so. We just sat there as people came into pee, talk, or whatevs. Probably one of the better hours I spent last night.
So the night had it's ups and downs. Some highlights to be pointed out without going into too much detail:

Jam session in the basement with several talented musicians (not including myself in that statement) where I terribly perform my tequilad renditions of 4 Non Blondes, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Someone stop me next time please. Seriously

Lost my sexy boots at least 5 times.

Had a heart to heart with Timber J.

Akward sexual advances.....

Cuddle party in Fostey's bed with me, JENNA!!!, Fosteys and LEEN. So glorious. I want to snuggle them all my life.

That's about it. All other details surrounding last night have either been removed from my memory or are too scandalous for the public.

And now.. a beer in the shower.

So Sue Me

I'm tired of hiding. I want nothing more than to utilize 2010 as a year of letting go of my insecurities and fully embracing just exactly who Goldie Hammerhead Locks is. That means first and foremost. My name is Laurel. Building upon that thought, I've decided to share some of my guilty pleasures and not so glorious quirks with you all. Things that I might not be incredibly proud of but am coming to terms with. Most of these disclosures will not increase my sex appeal. They will not make me any money. I am doing it for the pure joy of exposing my akwardness in hopes that you, dearest reader, might be able to do so as well. So here we go.

I like Britney Spears. Yea.. I fucking do. Bitch taught me how to dance. I thought the music video for I'm A Slave For You was brilliant. I want that outfit and those same people breathing heavily on me for a dance number or two. Britney. I don't give a damn if your crazy boo. You're still my homegirl. WAAAAHHHHH!!! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!

I pick my nose. All the time. Don't care if you're watching.

Sometimes I talk too fast and either stutter or slur my words. It makes me sound like an asshole but we all do it. Word Vomit! Yes that's it. I can't sound like a freeking genious all the time can I? A friend once referred to me as MC Cleverwords because, in truth, I am a simple person with simple thoughts. Trying to dress those thoughts up in lavish language just gets me all tongue tied. Damn it. I just did it again....

R&B songs are my jams!!!!!!!!! Seriously. In the past I've tried to stay away from popular music such as R&B but ever since this whole hip hop crew started I've been feeling it. I've found that dancing to music changes my whole perspective on certain songs. Yea give me that deep base beat and soulful chorus line. YEEEEAAHHH that shit's my jam! Oh yeah, gotta throw in my boy Prince too. I sing Little Red Corvette in the car all the time. I could listen to any of his albums all day every day. Probably wouldn't get much done though.. Too much dancing..That's baby making music right there...mmm He's sexual and violent.

In most cases I will not give boys in tight/girl pants the time of day. I just feel like there's a block there where we couldn't possibly be on the same level of understanding. You know... maybe I'm too daft to get it or I'm missing something.. It's just ... ehhh. Can't do it yet...AND I'm a big advocate of increasing circulation and I just feel like they're working against my cause, man (Must mention I am working towards a massage therapy license). Someday, perhaps these boys and I will see eye to eye. Until then... ehh.

Sausage weirds me out. Normal sausage, vegan sausage, veg whatevs. I can't stand it and Timber loves the shit. Bleah.

I haven't voted in I don't know how long. I am part of apathetic America! It makes me sad but at the same time... would it even matter? Can the lead singer of UB40 run for president? Then maybe I'll vote. Other than that.. PUPPETS! Masses of puppets. They chore me out and I have more important things to do like..... well.. I'll get back to you on that one..

That's all for now. I'm sleepy. Goodnight.