Psycho City- Population, Me.

All evidence points to one clear and definite adjective to describe the Hammerhead.. Psycho.

Yea that's me. Let me explain to you how I've come to this realization. Or actually, allow me to tell you in a haiku because as I laughed/kicked myself the next morning I realized such insanity should only be put back together in poetic form. Otherwise, I fear, it's just too pathetic for words.

Hump Day with the ladies

Four Loko, Whiskey, and all things crazy

Invited to a rap show.

Cute boy, in my opinion.

Forgot to eat dinner, Did not forget to drink more.

Dancing asses off.

A broken bra (from dancing)

Hitting on cute boy hard.

Boy says "I have a girlfriend"

Akward Turtle

Stubborn Hammerhead stumbles out.

Kind of regretting calling him out.

FML.

So what makes most of this so akward is that boy is an employee at my local grocery store. God Damn it..... I'm seeing a pattern here. An announcement for my friends out there - if you see me approaching any more Trader Joe employees knock me out with a two by four before I open my mouth cus I'm thinking my luck isn't running too strong there. THANKS.

Apparently it's Shark Week

A much awaited and highly popular series aired on the Discovery Channel is set to continue in August. SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, well what the producers of shark week haven't been told is that Portland Fucking Oregon is blowing up as we speak!!! For the safety of all males out there, I fear your chance to run has come and passed(swim faster!!! much faster!!!). And really, who is bothering with the safety of males these days anyway? (Cruel and sexist, I know. MUAHHAHA) But seriously, this blitzkrieg has suprised even us (Shark Circuit of Portland), and we apologize, wait.... no we don't.

A much feared and precious creature has come into her sharking skin. Kathleen (whom I've warned you of before) has settled into her dorsal fin and multiple layers of flesh shredding teeth. She is Bull Shark. Wikipedia reads, "The bull shark is well known for its unpredictable, often aggressive behavior. Since bull sharks often dwell in shallow waters, they may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark,[1] and, along with tiger sharks and great white sharks, are among the three shark species most likely to attack humans.[2]".

Fucking. terrifying.

In regards to the others, our fair friend Jenna is cruising the soft shore line these days as well. Her alias is yet to be determined due to the fact that her attack style and pattern is still quite an enigma. I'll keep you posted on this one.

So far we've decieded that "mega mouth" doesn't have the right ring to it. Though it is hilarious in context and look how damn cute this thing is.

Now you might be asking yourself, "what of the other sharks?" Ha! Well. I'm glad you asked. Great White Eversole has shark attacked in Santa Cruz, CA and is still.... wait... what... still attacking the same prey!??!?! What is this? How does this man have any limbs left?! I haven't seen it myself but I've heard there's carnage. Wow. I'm looking forward to meeting this brave man 4th of July weekend.

And Thresher.. don't even get me started. HAHAH awesome. I wanted to type "started" but started typing "shark" and it came out "sharted". LMAO okay sorry I digress.....Thresher is a holy heathen and has taken on the responsibility of terrorizing San Diego, CA for the week. Sorry there was no warning San Diego, but the damage has been done. Or so I hear through a wall of text messages I have recieved giving me play by play details. Thanks Threshies. I love to live vicariously through you. haha. sad.

Why is hammerhead sad? Because hammerhead got drunk on wednesday and attacked a piece of meat that smelled like Patchoulli. Waahhhhhh. Wish I remember what he looked like cus Mr. Born 5 Decades too late want's to take me out to get some hummus. HUMMMUS!!!! wtf.

Tuesday morning 1, Hammerhead 0.

Who knew a Tuesday morning could be so terribly akward. This morning seemed to be going quite well. How very fooled I was by your seemingly pleasant air,Tuesday...

Woke up around 9:30. Got some donuts with Timber (very unexpected unspoken psychic urge between both of us, only realized as I casually mentioned it walking out the door. Timber wanted donuts too and that is NOT a usual thing for either of us). I digress..... We were on our way out to buy some more coffee for our porch sittin session so we headed off to Safeway after Acme Donuts. Once in Safeway I make a beeline for the coffee aisle. I make it 3/4 the way down the aisle before a vision brings me to a halt. Ahh recognition. Standing there checking out the cereal is the boy I bravely gave my number to in Trader Joes last year. I had discontinued my cell phone about a week of not receiving a call from him. Did he ever call? Who knows. (please see FML.com). So I turn back quickly to see if Timber understands the situation at hand. She does not. I turn back trying to pull the tiny bit of normal hair I have left over my eyes. Death Lock Style.

My shab-ass attempt at hiding my identity is thwarted. Mr. TJ notices me, and recognizes me. He says "Hey". I say "Hi". He says "What's going on?" I say "Not much", staring at the coffee selection like I'm trying to burn holes in the cans with my lazer vision. I choose a brand quickly and dart to the end of the aisle to redenvous with Timber. She asks me, "Did you know that guy just said Hi to you?" I say, "Do you know who that guys is!?!?!??!!" I refresh her mind. She laughs heartily. FUUUCK. Made even more akward by the fact that he keeps popping up in the same sections of the store as us, including self-checkout. I thought I was safe in SE seeing as though his Trader Joe's location is in NE. Thank you, Akward Tuesday Morning for reminding me that it's never quite safe to just roll out of bed in the morning and mosey on out into the public....

Breakfast Remix

Hey all. Feeling slightly under the weather today due to last night's Carlo Rossi binge with my ladies. After revisiting my breakfast, I felt inspired to blog about much nicer things like some of my favorite Portland establishments and vendors. So here we go.

Vendors

Antic- Why is he sooooo cool? Antic is a locally based artist who pretty much pops out little gems on American Apparel shirts. Fucking golden. He's got a store in NE PDX as well as a booth at the Saturday Market. Recently he's been printing his designs on these fantastic underwears from Seattle. I want them. Anywho, if you're interested you can check his website out at http://www.anticink.com/. Not only does he have Premades available but will also do custom (CUSTTTOOOMM!!**$$$##$$!!) prints on whatever you fucking want. He's pretty easy on the eyes too, if I do say so myself.

Next up.

Courtney is a Seahorse- Effing love her. The first time I found her booth at the Saturday Market I walked by and had to pull a double take. So much rainbow bursting with feathers and gem stones. Basically everything I could ever want in a fashion designer. It's incredible really, how she takes really subtle earthy tones and throws some iridescence on that shit and POW! a masterpiece. I'm having a hard time getting over my new feather hair thing from her. And plus, she seems to be a really cool girl. Anywho, I applaud her efforts because her booth's got me coming back for more. I demand that you visit her website http://www.courtneyisaseahorse.com/

Note! Courtney also does clothes and hair pins. *flutter*

Restaurants

Jam on Hawthorne- So bomb. This establishment is cool and everyone knows it so you're going to have to wait outside. But it's cool cus there's coffee out there and hopefully some sunshines. The real kicker is once you get in, their breakfast cocktail selection is pure magic. So many kinds of mamosas and bloody marys, you'll spend most of your time looking at this part of the menu. Whatever you order food wise, will probably be quality as well. Overall, shit is worth the wait.

The Doug Fir- Reasons why I like this place- the food is pretty damn good, the prices are reasonable, there is always good music downstairs, and the wait staff is pretty attractive. Oh, and their water is good which sounds stupid but trust me. It's better than other water. I also have a soft place in my heart for the Doug Fir because it was here that I snuck in underage to a Subtle show and got to meet the very sexy and very kind, Dose One. *sigh* Only draw back to this place is the seemingly blank men standing at the door checkng ids. They don't have a sense of humor, and that's not their fault I guess.

So I had every intention of commenting on some of my favorite Stumptown bars earlier but it's come to my attention that this blog is starting to resemble a novel (blovel if you will) and that just won't do. Plus, breakfast remix has really slowed me down quite a bit and has got me slightly less inspired to talk about alcohol. So fair thee well as I try to shake off this feeling because honestly, right now I feel like a bag of dicks. THANKS!

MC Gift Rap is on her way back.

Used to know a man who considered his art
to be tearing all the people who had loved him apart.
And looking back on it now I guess I'd call him a boy.
A boy who hated his mother,
and treated women like toys.
But don't really think that I can blame him for that
He's just a product of a broken home and Jack Kerouac.
All philosophy and novels just to find him some reason.
Then he'd chew it up and spit it out with the change of the season.
For example on that morning I woke up on the couch
thinking "where could he be hiding in a single bedroom house?"
Had a pretty good idea went to the room and walked in
And you were kinda hookin up and she was kinda my friend
So if you couldn't tell there's still a bit of lingering angst
cus I was always there for you, and this is how you say "thanks?"

This is me in a nut shell. I don't know how I got into this nut shell...

Only a few weeks after Timber Jenny and I moved into our SE abode did we realize that we were not the only tenants of our room. At first, there was the scratching. Tiny reminders now and then that we were not alone. As time went by, the scratching became more frequent, accompanied by the occasional.... I don't know what you call it.... cooing? chirping? whatever.

Now we sit here in absolute certainty knowing that we are fellow tenants to 1 MILLION SQUIRRELS!

We came to this realization last weekend when Timber's mother was visiting. She had befriended a cute little squirrel on our porch which she named, Rocky. Rocky seemed wholesome and innocent, but overly friendly. He had a wheeze and I was curious as to whether he had lung complications. Upon leaving the porch and heading to the second story bathroom Cindy (Timber's mother), heard wheezing at the window..... how peculiar.. And there was Rocky again, wheezing at the window.

Well..... Rocky has pulled a full on BLITZKREIG on our house. 2 weeks ago when exploring the attic for the first time, we found nothing but nut shells. He was toying with us. We are quite sure he and his girlfriend are fornicating in our attic/bedroom walls as I write this. We hear wheezing/chirping/cooing, but much more animated than before. We hear comotion. Furthermore, as our housemate DMLH left the house, he beckoned me outside. On the very tip top point of our house wheezed/chirped/cooed Rocky, triumphantly. He has claimed his dominion. This is the squirly nut house.

Mother fucker better start payin some rent....

I use the word "artist" loosely.

I am stepping down from EVER using oil paints. Before, when I had time and then will to try, I produced a few gems with oils. But now, now my oil paintings are started and then sit there for months on end begging to be finished. I just can't do it anymore captain!

Today I was feeling an artistic buzz. I picked up my guitar and learned "Transatlanticism", I wrote a few rhyming verses, I even started blogging. But then, I had to go and try to paint. This painting that has been unfinished in my room for months is now FUCKING HORRID because I got a wild hair up my ass and had to do something to it. After putting in a few strokes I thought, "Wow. Oil painting is just not for me anymore. But shit.... I have all this fricken oil paint... Maybe I should just throw all of it on this canvas at the same time and be done with it all." (Insert crazy evil laugh here).

So I did that and I feel worse than I felt before about just leaving it there. Holy crap. I don't think people are going to know whether I was painting or puking... Oh well.. Cover it up with more paint in a month or so I suppose.. Now it's into the shower so I can meet my ladies at the Clinton Street Pub and forget about the abomination sitting in my bedroom.

Did we share a moment?

Today was the last day of Timber's mother and co. visiting so we decided to take them to Saturday Market. It was a beautiful morning really. The sun was out, I woke up without a hangover (usually unheard of on Sundays), and I was feeling real nice about the situation overall. After a rather profound palm reading from the lovely Maria (almost cried), Leen, Timber, and myself decided to grab a huge beer and enjoy some UVs. Everything was peachy until...... Creepy Mark!

It starts like this.... My ladies and I are standing there in the middle of the market and all of a sudden a late 40's early 50ish bloke comes over and stands in our huddle. We look on confused as he introduces himself "Hi. I'm Mark".

All together now, "Hi Mark." Us=Looking. Blinking. Confused.

Mark turns to yours truly, slowly bringing his hand up to cup him man boob and says, "Hey. I'm sorry but did we share a moment back there a few minutes ago?"

Horror. "No. We did not".

Mark seemed suprised. I don't quite know what he might have had in mind for the chemistry between the two of us but it makes me kind of nauseas. Leen made a good point when she said "just because we are of legal drinking age, does not nessecarily make us fair game". Well said. When you resemble the guy below, but your smirk is creepier and your picking up on girls that could be your daughters age at a street fair, there's a good chance we won't be hitting it off. Sowwy.

I'm suffocating!

I can't breathe and it's really starting to scare me. For the past couple of weeks I've stopped smoking cigarettes and I'm just beginning to realize the amount of lung compacity that has been compromised. Or is it the volcanic ash form Iceland drifting over this way? Another theory is that it's anxiety. If so, I need to get a hold of myself real quick. All I know is that I couldn't sleep last night because my lungs kept forgetting to breathe and when my body would remember again the initial shock would wake me up from my already shallow rest. Respiration is an autonomic system damn it! I shouldn't have to think about breathing. What a chore.

Image Cred- xCaitx on Deviantart.com

"Yea he's just hanging out... Oh wait no... he's dead.."

So... I found a dead horse today. Yep. I have the terrible image stuck in my head. I'll spare you the gorey details but it definitely triggered my gag reflex. I've decided that the experience of finding a dead horse is comparable to witnessing puppies getting kicked and tortured. At least, I can only imagine the two events conjuring the same emotional response for me. Hopefully, I forget that image really really freeaking soon. I had a feeling I was going to see some death today because last night I had a dream about one of my family members being pregnant. Look it up, dream psychology is weird shit. Anywho...

Rest in Peace Pepper. You were a tired old thing and I never really got close to you cus I thought you were gonna bite me.. But.. you were white, and I liked that about you...

I don't think we're on the same page.

A little word of advice to the fellas out there, I don't mind friendly conversation at the bar. I don't even mind you rambling my ear off about your band for an hour while I try to watch The Shining in subtitles. But if you ask for my number and I give you my email address, there's a good chance I don't want to meet you for drinks next week. Below is a picture of me after recieving your email today.

Procrastination Station

Hump Day! My day of freedom in the middle of the week where I get to choose what I do and when I will do it. Today could go one of two ways. Scenario numba 1 involves me tackling the huge pile of laundry that has been patiently waiting at the foot of my bed to be put away OR Scenario numba 2 where I attempt to get things done and actually end up following my artistic pursuits and musical wanderings as I navigate around my laundry.

So far the laundry pile is slowly diminishing but it's so hard to get motivated when it takes physical force to hang things in my closet. I have way too many clothes. DAMN YOU FASHION!!!!!! I love you still... My drawers are screaming too. Do I even wear all of these pants? I don't think so.

Currently I am listening to Bon Iver's album For Emma, Forever Ago

You MUST check out this album. I'm not really one for listening to shit on repeat but I will listen to this album on repeat ANY TIME. It's that good. And it harbours a lot of summer memories for me so I guess I have a lot of emotional attachment to this one. Whatever, just listen.

Like I said, I have some artistic pursuits that are calling me. I literally wake up in the morning and this painting is in my face, scowling at me for the lack of love. I guess it's a bit reminescent of summer as well. I'm actually pretty sure the above mentioned album inspired it but I can't bring myself to finish it yet. Bottom line, I need to start painting again. Will today allow it? Perhaps if I stop bloggering.

Tuck and Roll Grandma.

7 more days now until I will be back in the bay. Hmph. I feel like there is so much going on and yet I feel devoid of any real motivation. Today is humpday. Today is also my day off, so I should be completing the chores that have stocked up over the past few days (and by days I mean weeks). BUT low and behold, here I am wading in a pile of mismatched socks and underwear.

Woke up early this morning to ride River. We decided to stick with some arena work today seeing as though last time I got thrown off on trail. It wasn't too bad. A duck jetted out from the undergrowth and River, being a young spritely thing shit himself and freaked. I nearly stayed on but once he realized there was a strange creature now clinging to his side, he spooked more and I was thrown to the ground. Tuck and Roll Grandma! (best advice ever) I was very lucky, however, to not get kicked as he reared away. Poor guy. He just stood there afterwards waiting for me with a look on his face like "wha happend?" I got up relatively unharmed. Just some sore ribs and a bloody finger nail. Best thing to do in situations like that is get back up and start riding. As days passed a solid bruise has formed on my forearm. Lovely.

Push Jones will be having 2 performances this week (excited arms shaking in the air). I'm most excited about the one that will be happening this Saturday in Hood River after the Fashionation fashion show. We will be dancing at the after party in some club. I hear the night life in Hood River is pretty happenin though so I better wear my big girl undies for that one. That's right. I'm also casually considering sneaking in a flask of whiskey because I have a cute flask that doesn't get near enough use and because I'm cheap. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with the urge to sit at home and drink whiskey in granny panties... weird.
Aside from that La Honda is within my grasp. Having some odd feelings about that right now though. Hopefully it is a passing mood. Currently I am trying not to acknowledge them in hopes that they will go away. I'll keep you informed as anticipation builds.

And yet another digression. I have been dreaming quite vividly again recently and a lot of them usually involve work. This makes me feel strange. I spend all day working, can't I have my dreams to be able to let go and rest! Waaahnee! FML.