PATRIOTISM!!!!! BEER!!!!! BIKINIS!!!!! CRACK!!

Hey all. How the hell are you today? Are you stoked on life?!?!? On sunshine!?! On crack?!?!MMM??!??!? You know I was going to a go a completely different direction there but ended up googling "on crack" and guess who's lovely face showed. Yes, dearest Amy is at it again. Crimeny I'm glad I'm not a celebrity. Girlfriend's got so many people riding her ass how could she not do crack? There's nothing else left to do! Oh yea, well...... you could maybe go.... to..... rehab..?? mm? Food for thought.

Moving on.

Why this weekend already is blowing my mind: my inner patriot shall roam free by bike, by water, and by foot. Sheer heathenry will be unleashed upon my quaint hometown of Redding, CA. Can you handle the heat Redding!!?!?! Or I guess a better question is, can we Oregon ladies handle Redding's heat? Fucking 106 degrees! Are you serious? I've been turning the fan on when we peak at 80 up here. Jeepers, I'm sweating already just thinking about it. However the outcome, I will be pleased if I can return to the green state looking slightly less pale and slightly more ravaged from an incredible weekend.

There will be....... THIS!!!!!!!!The Sevylor Mesh River Tube 3000! Complete with backrest, 2 Fucking cupholders!, and my personal favorite Snap and Stay feature to be able to hang with friends! I totally just stepped up my 4th of July plans by purchasing this bad boy. And what of Gummy!? Yes Gummy my beloved alligator that got my lovely ass down the Truckee River for a week straight last summer. He's coming too.. If not for anyone's transportation than for my own personal enjoyment and his veteran voyage. Love you Gummy, my man.
What is more, is that rafting the ole sacapatatoes river is happening the day BEFORE the 4th so I can build my patriotic fever all day long saturday with four lokos, and sun, and gummy and then spew it all out (I mean get reallly fucking patriotic on the 4th). What this means : I will be wearing my American flag bikini top and will be quoting famous presidents and Team America all day long. (FUCK YEA!) I will be hanging with the highest concentration of lady sharks since... I don't even know when. We got Hammerhead, Threshies, Angel Shark, Bull Shark, Frilled Shark, and Great White will be out there driftin on Shasta Lake. Things might erupt... Like Mt. Shasta cus it's so close and all.
Adding to the madness will be my cousin Eden. Thank god. She is fanastic. We've barely been together since the days she used to pinch me and tell me I was the boy when we would play house, but hey, I like her attitude. Girl gives off some shark vibes. I'll let you know about that one... And my broja! And his new girlfriend. This should be fantastic.

To summarize this lump of crap garbage I've just barfed all over you, I'm going to Redding this weekend with my girls. We're gonna raft down the river, bike to the bars, watch some fireworks, and probably attack things. You've been warned Dirty 530.

My new favorite hobby

To follow up on that last blog, my dear internets, I want to share with you something that has become very dear to my heart.

Sexy texting. YESSS We've got to have more sexts! I want them. Now! NOW DAMNIT.

Whoaskies. Okay sorry. But this has become an activity to really get you through that boring work day. Am I wrong? I mean to be completely honest, I'm a sexting tease (see horrible sexter). I apologize to those of you out there who asked to see a picture of a certain feline and recieved a picture of this

Though I will say what I lack in sexiness I make up for in creativity. And seeing as though I'm a conservative kind of girl (questioning this statement but gonna rock it anyways) I like to sext with those in a light hearted manner. I don't really want to hear about your raging semi but please do go ahead and tell me what kind of Furry animal you would be. That game is fun.
Talk about counter culture. I think I'd be a squirrel....

Disclaimer: As of yet my sexy texts are rated PG and are sent to trusted and reliable friends. I do not condone going spread eagle on your mobile device and sending it to your latest boyfriend. You are setting yourself up for EPIC FAILURE!

ALSO! If sexy texting aint cho thang, the other day I dreamed up a brilliant little nugget. Unsexy texting! Probably just as thrilling and could be slightly less intimidating. Food for unsexy thoughts: "Hey boo, I'm taking a crap and thinking of you". "Damn gurl, this jock itch got me down. fuuuck" Just a few to get you started.

Anyone wanna sexy/unsexy text? I'm kind of bored.

Notice

Hello all. For those of you that know me, you are aware that I have a somewhat monotonous job that allows me to get lost in large mansions for hours at a time. During these shifts I'm able to do a lot of thinking. My, let's call them "think attacks" sometimes produce solid gold. More times than not, they produce loads and loads of crap garbage. Today as I mosied about, I had much on my mind and started to compile a list (big on lists lately) that I feel like sharing.

Things I like today

• sexting


• open windows (sometimes wanting to jump out of them)


• whiskey (I like this too much)


• low expectations


• privacy


• bowling


• patriotic apparel (cus I'm an Amurican)


• "Where have all the cowboys gone?" by Paula Cole

Things I don't like today

• Bah! I have nothing! Excellent.

And that sums up my deep thoughts for the day, folks. THHHHAAANNKKS

"if you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing "

Apparently it's Shark Week

A much awaited and highly popular series aired on the Discovery Channel is set to continue in August. SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Yea, well what the producers of shark week haven't been told is that Portland Fucking Oregon is blowing up as we speak!!! For the safety of all males out there, I fear your chance to run has come and passed(swim faster!!! much faster!!!). And really, who is bothering with the safety of males these days anyway? (Cruel and sexist, I know. MUAHHAHA) But seriously, this blitzkrieg has suprised even us (Shark Circuit of Portland), and we apologize, wait.... no we don't.

A much feared and precious creature has come into her sharking skin. Kathleen (whom I've warned you of before) has settled into her dorsal fin and multiple layers of flesh shredding teeth. She is Bull Shark. Wikipedia reads, "The bull shark is well known for its unpredictable, often aggressive behavior. Since bull sharks often dwell in shallow waters, they may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark,[1] and, along with tiger sharks and great white sharks, are among the three shark species most likely to attack humans.[2]".

Fucking. terrifying.

In regards to the others, our fair friend Jenna is cruising the soft shore line these days as well. Her alias is yet to be determined due to the fact that her attack style and pattern is still quite an enigma. I'll keep you posted on this one.

So far we've decieded that "mega mouth" doesn't have the right ring to it. Though it is hilarious in context and look how damn cute this thing is.

Now you might be asking yourself, "what of the other sharks?" Ha! Well. I'm glad you asked. Great White Eversole has shark attacked in Santa Cruz, CA and is still.... wait... what... still attacking the same prey!??!?! What is this? How does this man have any limbs left?! I haven't seen it myself but I've heard there's carnage. Wow. I'm looking forward to meeting this brave man 4th of July weekend.

And Thresher.. don't even get me started. HAHAH awesome. I wanted to type "started" but started typing "shark" and it came out "sharted". LMAO okay sorry I digress.....Thresher is a holy heathen and has taken on the responsibility of terrorizing San Diego, CA for the week. Sorry there was no warning San Diego, but the damage has been done. Or so I hear through a wall of text messages I have recieved giving me play by play details. Thanks Threshies. I love to live vicariously through you. haha. sad.

Why is hammerhead sad? Because hammerhead got drunk on wednesday and attacked a piece of meat that smelled like Patchoulli. Waahhhhhh. Wish I remember what he looked like cus Mr. Born 5 Decades too late want's to take me out to get some hummus. HUMMMUS!!!! wtf.

Boys in the Makeup Hood.

This blog is for all the fellas out there who wake up in the morning, get in the shower, brush their, teeth, and then decide that it's a good day to throw on some eyeliner. Yes, those silly boys. As initially turned off I am by this act, I can't help but hoping that maybe someday Glamour Boy might take advantage of me in the throws of some strange and surreal fantasy. Not just any boy in lipstick though. I have my few candidates that I have secretly (or not so secretly) swooned over since the tender age of 10. Case and point Jay Gordon.

If you didn't know, Jay is the lead singer of Orgy. I used to run home from the bus stop every day in elementry school when Blue Monday was on TRL. Just to see his lovely ass glamoring away on the ole boob tube. For the record, Jay you still get me hott in your plastic outfits and fucked up hair dos.

Up next Ville Valo, lead singer of HIM Okay, I'm gonna have to really hand this one over to my sister. She was the original bleeding heart for Valo. I mean, technically I only knew of his existence because of her die hard commitment to listening to their records on repeat (My personal favorite being Razorblade Romance). Regardless of his serious as shit lyrics, the Villmeister can be quite a queen (see Join Me In Death video) leaving me wondering if it's boys he might really be wanting to cut himself with. Yea, bust out your sharp edges people, cus this guy will only have you if you're willing to bleed on an alter of roses and poisonous beverages. Seeing as though that's really not my scene anymore (Jade, I don't think it's yours either) we can sit back and admire from a far, all the while rocking out to Sweet 666 and enjoying UV, flowers, and not dying. P.S Just googled "Boys in makeup" and guess who was the first to pop up. LMAO you slay me Valo.

And at last, a more recent fabulous crush would be Elijah Blue (Or if he had his way Phillips Exeter Blue) of Deadsy and, strikingly enough of Cher. Yes, Cher's baby grew up to be kind of a Baldwin in a weird and sparkley kind of way.

Anywho, I ended up really loving this band, Deadsy. One because their music is kind of awesome (an aquired taste, however), two cus they have this pretty interesting theme going on (see visual appearance on the wiki page), and three because most of their songs reference a dear book and idealogy of mine, Urantia. Even if the book is total crap (obviously not my view) I still think it's awesome that he writes fantastic songs about it. Reading is sexy Blue. Reading is totttallly sexy. Here, I'll leave you with a little video of Deadsy's, because most likely, you've never fucking heard of them.

And to end it right, I wanted to mention a few runners up because they are also, fabulous glitzy glam rock boys.

Marilyn Manson- inspired me to wear heart shaped glasses for a year. God his girlfriend's hott too. Brian Molko of Placebo- Apparently he has a kid? I'm not convinced, but you're hott to me in a creepy way so Ima gonna let that one slide B. Tim Curry at all times. He is sexual, creepy and violent. Kinda turns me on a little bit. OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Look what I found!!!! Brian Molko givin Ville Valo a little smoochy smooch. That's fine by me boys but good luck explaining this to your son, Molko.

Better untitled emo bs.

The act is all too consuming, and then you're shrooming
and suddenly, the situation is so dire and sad you want to laugh
The oil spills, trillion dollar bills, and the lonely that sticks at your side like a friend with nothing better to do.
I could crush a can in my fist every time I feel pissed from watching cute indie couples kiss.
I could shut all the windows, watch stupid tv. shows and forget our huge fucking debt exists.
But that isn't very helpful is it?
I'll start with a shower to scrape this sadness off my skin.